Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Christine

Why don’t you work on your own story?

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Isn’t it funny how we can go through life being told what to do by other people.  Parents, teachers, bosses, partners and even people who claim to be our friends.  At some point most of us decide that we can make our own decisions and stop deferring to others.  We learn to say what we need.  We stop believing that other people have all the answers.  We start to believe in ourselves and realise that even if we get it wrong we can learn from the experience and repair damage if necessary.

Unfortunately not everyone reaches this stage and I often work with clients who have no belief or confidence in themselves.  It becomes obvious when they realise that counselling is not about being told what to do and that even though I’m a Counsellor I am not going to make their decisions for them.  I love the phrase ‘why don’t you work on your own story.’  It says so much about opportunities, potential, choices and responsibility.  It is not about trying to control others or about trying to live your life through others or blaming others.  It’s about realising that it’s up to you.

Mind you saying ‘why don’t you work on your own story’ is really assuming that you are able to.  That you have an awareness that other people may be pulling the strings in your life.  I don’t want to diminish the fact that many people have few choices.  Poverty is one of the biggest causes of mental health problems.  You may feel oppressed and stuck in a job you hate.  You may feel trapped in a bad relationship.  You may feel you have to do what your family tells you otherwise you will be rejected.  I can’t change any of these things.  I can’t change society for you.  I can’t make life fairer for you.  I can work on my story though and do my bit and maybe that means working with you.  Helping you to find a way to cope with the things you cannot change while working on the things you can change.

I’m worried I’m going to be found out

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Have you ever wondered whether other people are going to declare that you are a fake and simply not up to it….whether it be a job or some studies….or a relationship….or something else that matters to you.  If not, that’s great.  It sounds like you feel confident about yourself.  If on the other hand you go through life feeling like this, then it sounds like you may have low self-esteem.  Or a critical voice inside your head which says you are not good enough, never have been and never will.  And it’s only a matter of time before everyone else finds out and rejects you.

I don’t want to start trying to analyse why you might have low self-esteem.  It’s not really my style.  However, I do think it can help to understand where it comes from.  Mainly because you can start to challenge some of the assumptions you might be making.  If you can remember feeling like this when you were growing up then it’s probably no surprise that you feel like this now.  Big people seem to be very good at telling little people about all their shortcomings.  Over and over.

Feeling like you are going to be ‘found out’ adds another layer of stress to a situation that might be stressful enough.  Imagine what your life would be like if you started to trust in yourself and your abilities.  Let go of the beliefs that you are inadequate or not good enough.  Who’s voice are you hearing?  Who is it that is telling you don’t add up to very much.

I think that counselling can really help if you feel like this.  I promise you that if you decide to work with me I won’t ask you to write down a list of all the things you are good at.  I can’t imagine anything worse.  If someone tried to work with me like that I’d run a mile.  After all, if you knew that stuff you wouldn’t need me in the first place.

I’m tired and fed up with life

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Have you noticed that when you are feeling tired that the world doesn’t seem to be such a nice place?  Things start to get on your nerves and other people seem to become rather irritating.  We just don’t cope so well with day to day problems when we are exhausted.  We can get into a vicious circle where not sleeping well makes us feel depressed and angry.  Does this sound familiar?  It sounds familiar to me as a Counsellor.  Not because I feel like that all the time (although I’m human too and feeling tired impacts on me and how I am) but because clients often come for counselling  and feel lost and don’t know how to get their lives back on track.

Sometimes not sleeping well becomes a habit and we start to get anxious about this.  So letting go of that can be helpful.  There is a lot of good information on the internet about sleeping problems and I’ve included some links below.  If nothing seems to be working you can always see your GP and they might be able to offer you some medication to help you if you think that’s the right choice for you.  Alternatively you could try some counselling to help you figure out what might be keeping you awake at nights…..your thoughts…..your conscience…….your regrets……your past……your future…..your worries……..and this might help you to gain some perspective on your troubles and make some changes in your life.

I know what it’s like not to sleep well.  It’s made me miserable in the past.  Ok it still does sometimes!  One thing I found so helpful was to stop looking at the clock every time I woke up.  It felt like the kiss of death every time I did look because then I would  become preoccupied by how little time I had left to get a good night’s sleep.  Why not try?

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Insomnia-Poor-Sleep.htm

http://www.unidocs.co.uk/docs/sleep{715e623df01486ed312d8f1b83ff0cc3fd44a590896731e6d51361f497f187b9}20hygiene{715e623df01486ed312d8f1b83ff0cc3fd44a590896731e6d51361f497f187b9}20leaflet.pdf

I’ve made a mess of my life

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Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up every day and feel that you’ve made a mess of your life?  To look around and wonder exactly why you have made the choices you have made?  To beat yourself up because you seem to have made the same mistakes over and over?  To feel that you have no control over your life and that what lies ahead just seems too hard to face?

In my counselling practice I work with many people who feel like this.  These people seek counselling because they can’t find anyone to understand them.  They are fed up with people telling them to ‘get their act together’ or telling them that they are a ‘loser’.  They feel distressed and lonely and simply don’t know what to do next.  The good news is that the future does not have to be like the past.  We can find a new way of being, explore different choices and learn to understand ourselves.  If we’re not sure who we are then it’s hard to get to know anyone else…….let alone allow them to get to know us.

Working with a Counsellor can be a very healing process.  It can help you to stop beating yourself up.  To start to value yourself.  To value others.  To learn about what it means to be in an authentic relationship with another person.  It could change your life.

What do I say in counselling?

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So you picked up the phone and made the appointment to have some counselling.  You have taken the first steps to making some changes in your life.  And now you’re sitting in front of the Counsellor and you are wondering what to say.

Does this sound familiar?  Maybe not.  Some clients are quickly comfortable in counselling and know exactly how they want to use the time and what they want to get out of it.  That’s great.

Others, however, are unsure about how counselling might work and wonder how the person sitting opposite them is going to be able to help.  I remember feeling like this and I didn’t like it one bit.  I felt uncomfortable and exposed and wanted to run for it as far away as possible.  Some clients ask me if how they ‘are’ in counselling is normal.  That assumes there is a ‘normal’.  It’s really hard to write about what to say in counselling because that assumes there is a right answer.  And the truth is there isn’t.  Your counselling experience is going to depend on you.  If you are someone who finds it hard to trust others then it may take some time before you trust your Counsellor.  You might even test your Counsellor by telling them some things to see if they are shocked, before moving on to talking about the things that are buried away.  The things that keep hurting you.

Based on my experiences (in both chairs) I would say that if you don’t know what to say then tell your Counsellor.  Ask for help.  That’s why you’re there.  If it’s not forthcoming then maybe you’re sitting in front of the wrong person.

Do you need to ‘fix’ people?

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Sometimes it can be really hard to stand by and watch people you care about make mistakes.  The urge to jump in and tell them what to do can be overwhelming.  The need to ‘fix’ someone may come from genuine concern.  On the other hand it can be perceived as controlling and interfering.  If you find yourself in situations where you feel frustrated because other people won’t listen to your advice maybe you could ask yourself whose needs you are trying to meet.  Do you see yourself as caring and it is important that others allow you to ‘care’?  It might be helpful to reflect on times in your life when you have learnt the most.  Did this involve someone telling you what to do?  Or did it involve you learning through trial and error?  How do you feel when others advise you what to do?  Do you find yourself avoiding them when you don’t take their advice?  Do you wish you hadn’t bothered telling them about your problems?

Now imagine that you stopped trying to ‘fix’ other people and respected them enough to allow them to reach their own decisions.  That would mean letting go of having a right answer.  Think about how respected you would feel if someone did that for you.  Allowed you to process your thoughts and feelings without putting any pressure on you to do what they wanted.  Counselling allows people to do precisely that.  And counselling also helps people who find they need to ‘fix’ others too.