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Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Anger

I’m tired and fed up with life

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Have you noticed that when you are feeling tired that the world doesn’t seem to be such a nice place?  Things start to get on your nerves and other people seem to become rather irritating.  We just don’t cope so well with day to day problems when we are exhausted.  We can get into a vicious circle where not sleeping well makes us feel depressed and angry.  Does this sound familiar?  It sounds familiar to me as a Counsellor.  Not because I feel like that all the time (although I’m human too and feeling tired impacts on me and how I am) but because clients often come for counselling  and feel lost and don’t know how to get their lives back on track.

Sometimes not sleeping well becomes a habit and we start to get anxious about this.  So letting go of that can be helpful.  There is a lot of good information on the internet about sleeping problems and I’ve included some links below.  If nothing seems to be working you can always see your GP and they might be able to offer you some medication to help you if you think that’s the right choice for you.  Alternatively you could try some counselling to help you figure out what might be keeping you awake at nights…..your thoughts…..your conscience…….your regrets……your past……your future…..your worries……..and this might help you to gain some perspective on your troubles and make some changes in your life.

I know what it’s like not to sleep well.  It’s made me miserable in the past.  Ok it still does sometimes!  One thing I found so helpful was to stop looking at the clock every time I woke up.  It felt like the kiss of death every time I did look because then I would  become preoccupied by how little time I had left to get a good night’s sleep.  Why not try?

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Insomnia-Poor-Sleep.htm

http://www.unidocs.co.uk/docs/sleep{715e623df01486ed312d8f1b83ff0cc3fd44a590896731e6d51361f497f187b9}20hygiene{715e623df01486ed312d8f1b83ff0cc3fd44a590896731e6d51361f497f187b9}20leaflet.pdf

Is the past being played out in the present?

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Do you find yourself stuck in your life and not know how to find a way forward?  Does it seem like your relationships go wrong….and they always do?  Do you keep ruminating over things that happened to you in the past and keep going over and over details?  Do you wish that your life was different but feel that whatever you try makes no difference?

We all have times when we feel that life is hard and that we have messed up.  You might find it hard to understand why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  You might beat yourself up for getting something wrong and find it really hard to say sorry.  You might make assumptions about other people and think that they have got life figured out.  That can make you feel more miserable.  Like you’re alone.   You might isolate yourself from others.  Or you might adopt some coping strategies to comfort yourself.  Like eating too much.  Or drinking too much.  Or taking drugs.

Sometimes the reason people find it hard to cope or enjoy life is that the past is being played out in the present.  Counselling can help you to understand whether this is happening.  Some people don’t want to trawl through their past and this is understandable.  It can be painful.  However, recognising how the past is still ‘alive’ can help you to make some changes in your life.  Better choices leading to a more fulfilled life.

Wanting someone to be different

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What do you do if you want someone to be different and you want them to change?  How do you do this?  This is a common question that clients bring to counselling.  And I don’t know the answer. We simply can’t change other people.  It’s no good having a relationship with someone based on the idea that you can change them.  It never works and often ends in disappointment and resentment.  We can only change ourselves and how we deal with something or someone.  And when we realise this we may notice that other people start to change how they are with us.

Imagine that you have a friend who always puts you down in front of other people and makes fun of you.  You might allow this to continue because you like this person (and maybe some counselling could help you to figure that one out) or because you feel that you have to put up with it because you need to please others and you don’t want other people to think badly of you (again some counselling could help to understand this too).  Now imagine that the next time this ‘friend’ put you down that you said in a firm and neutral way ‘I don’t like being made fun of.’  What do you think would happen?   We can’t know for sure but it’s likely that your ‘friend’ would be surprised and really hear that they had gone too far.  They would recognise that they had hurt your feelings.  It’s possible that other people would think ‘good for you to stick up for yourself….I wish I was able to do that.’  A small change can have a big impact.  Imagine now what your life would be like if you were able to be assertive in a respectful way.  Maybe there would be no more angry outbursts or stored up resentments.  Maybe you’d stop putting up with people who didn’t deserve to be in your life.

The importance of compassion

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On my way home last night the traffic was slow and I noticed a young woman near my car shouting angrily at a man on the other side of the road.  She looked so angry and upset and she had tears running down her face.  I couldn’t understand all her words but her language was colourful.  I glanced across the road.  The young man she was addressing had his head down and looked embarrassed.  There was something about the whole incident which touched me deep inside.  A real sense that two people were hurting.  One didn’t care who knew and the other cared very much.

I wondered about the other people witnessing this.  I suspect that some people felt the same as I did and maybe others felt a bit embarrassed themselves.  Perhaps others were judgmental and thought that the woman was behaving inappropriately in public.  The thing is we just don’t know what is going on for other people.  All I knew from this situation was that someone was hurting and a kind word makes all the difference.  Being compassionate to people we know and love is easy.  It’s being like that to those we don’t know that’s the hard bit in life.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying?   Does it touch you in some deep place?  Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’?  Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’?  And does it matter where it happens?  For example is crying at work completely unacceptable?   What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there?  Besides what is the crying about anyway?  Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself?  Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness.  A sign of not coping.  They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful.  Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient.  It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning.  How sad.  I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable.  Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad.  An indication that we may be suffering.  At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings.  And to accept how things are for us right now.

Feeling angry

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Staffordshire

What is anger?

Anger is a normal emotion we experience when we feel that ‘someone has broken our rules’ about what is fair and just.  Anger can range from ‘irritation’ to ‘fury’.  Sometimes the way that we express our anger leads to difficulties and can impact on our relationships with others.

‘Anyone can become angry—that is easy.  But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy’ – Aristotle.

Some people are taught in childhood that anger is unacceptable.  If anger is not expressed then anxiety, depression and physical symptoms may result.  Sometimes people project their anger onto others and suggest, for example, that their partner seeks help for their anger problems.  Counselling can help to understand exactly what is happening.

Sometimes our anger is caused by or is exaggerated by things which are causing us stress in our lives.  Problems arise when anger occurs frequently and is intense and enduring.  This can have a negative impact on our relationships both at home and work.  People often judge us when we are angry and may respond to us in an angry way.  We can get a bad reputation.  People may start to avoid us or deliberately wind us up to see how we respond.

Feeling angry can be a good thing if it creates energy to make changes, for example to improve communities and the lives of other people and to help to stamp out injustice.  However, anger often has negative consequences and hurts others as well as ourselves.

Do you recognise any of the following statements:

‘I feel angry all the time.  I am always shouting at others.’

‘I bottle all my anger and resentments up and then I explode like a bottle of pop.’

‘I know I’m doing it and it’s as though I can’t help myself.’

‘I wish I was a nicer person and more relaxed.’

‘I need to be in control all the time and get angry if things don’t go my way.’

‘I feel angry with everyone and everything.’

‘I feel ashamed of my behaviour.  Sometimes my reactions are completely unnecessary.’

How can counselling help?

Exploring the circumstances may help to identify the triggers to anger and to discover the meanings attached to situations.  Two people may react to the same conflict situation in different ways.  One person may shrug their shoulders and walk off and the other person may become angry and start behaving aggressively.  Counselling may be helpful to explore the reasons for this and to challenge any unhelpful thinking.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.