Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Christine

It’s not just about the footballer and super injunctions

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I was in the supermarket yesterday at the checkout and the lady dealing with me was chatting to her colleague and another customer about  the identity of the mystery footballer in the news (please don’t get me started in the fact that she considered that to be more important than making sure she rang up my shopping correctly).  To be fair she tried to involve me in the conversation but I did not contribute and kept my head down.  Later on, the television news was full of this story.  Everyone has an opinion it seems.

Why is it that we are so judgmental?  How would you feel if everyone was talking about you?  We don’t know what happened or how much of this story is true.  The only thing we can be pretty sure of really is how devastated his wife must be.  How alone she must feel.  And what about his children?  What kind of day are they having at school?  And while next week or next year this will be old news, it will never be old news for this family.  Maybe the next time you are tempted to join in with gossip you could think about the impact on others.  Every contact leaves a trace.  And what you say says so much about who you are.

Is everyone else better than you?

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Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone else is better than you? Do you ever think that what other people have to say matters more than what you have to say? Have you ever felt that you should stay in the background and let others take the limelight? I often work with people who feel like this. Why is this? In psychology the nature versus nature debate is well established. Some people argue that how we turn out is down to genes. It’s all there in our DNA. Others disagree and say that how we turn out is all down to how we are reared, the experiences that we have in childhood.

I, and many others, think that how we turn out is influenced by both our genes and our upbringing. We learn so much in childhood. If our parents row continuously then we may never learn how to establish a loving relationship. If the people around us are worriers then we may learn to worry too.

Now imagine that you felt that you were as good as other people. That your voice mattered just as much. That people would be pleased to meet you and find out about you. That you were entitled to a life. Is that hard? Well where is it written down that you can’t be all these things. Thought so. It’s probably you that is telling yourself this stuff.

The great thing is that you can change. Become the person you would like to be. Counselling can help with this. What are you waiting for?

The yo-yo relationship

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So many clients come to see me because they are in a yo-yo relationship.  One minute it’s good and the next minute it’s bad.  Relationships like this can make you feel confused and cause misery and it can be really hard to figure out whether to try and make the relationship work or to cut your losses and end it once and for all.  The first thing to consider is what you get from the relationship.  What do you like about being with this person.  If you can’t think of anything then it may be time to wonder why you are putting yourself through this misery.  If you can come up with some benefits it can help to consider what is wrong with the relationship and what you would like to be different.  So if you had a magic wand what would that relationship be like?

Sometimes it can be helpful to try couples counselling to improve a relationship.  Couple counselling is not about being given advice and told what to do.  It’s an opportunity to understand each other.  If you both want to work on your relationship then it can help if you really try to listen to each other without making assumptions or interrupting.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Try not to use blaming phrases such as “you always……….” And learn how to ‘own’ your feelings.  You might be very surprised at the results.

What can we learn from The Apprentice

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When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time.  I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that.  I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life.  For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity.  I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever.  For me it’s simply not negotiable.  And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them.  Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values.  It’s still possible to be kind.  Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house?  Now that would be very interesting!

Feeling Shy

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

Shyness, low confidence, low self-esteem

When we are growing up and finding out who we are and our place in the world we can find ourselves being labelled by others.  People might tell us we are shy or tell us to speak up.  We can be left with the feeling that we are inadequate.  We might watch how others and see how confident they are and wish we were like them.

Clients often ask me if they have been born shy. I can’t answer this.  Some of how we turn out is down to our genes and some of it is down to what we have learnt , usually growing up.  The millions of messages we receive during our childhood from the people around us leave an imprint on us.  There are many interesting books about introverts and extroverts and if this is an area of interest then Dorothy Rowe writes in an accessible way.

While some people don’t mind about being shy, for others feeling shy or lacking in confidence is no fun.  We can have a sense that our life is passing us by and that we are holding ourselves back in some way.  The good news is that we are continually finding out who we are.  It is possible to make changes to live in a more fulfilling way.  The present does not have to be like the past.

So how is change possible?  It might involve taking a risk and experimenting with new behaviour, for example contributing to a conversation or inviting some friends over.  It might involve a change in thinking, for example to let go of believing that you have nothing decent to say or that you are boring.  It might involve a change in the way you feel, deciding that you as good as everyone else.  There are lots of self-help books out there to help with feeling shy.  Counselling can also help to work with problems associated with shyness and low confidence.  The problem is that this involves making the first step and contacting a Counsellor, not easy for someone feeling shy.  Don’t worry, your Counsellor will understand this and if you feel they don’t, then please find someone who does.

Mindreading and counselling

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I know there are certain people who make a living out of mindreading.  I am not one of them.  My job as a Counsellor is to try and understand you so that you can understand yourself.  While others may have had experiences similar to yours, no one will make the same meanings out of those experiences as you will.  The meanings we make from something are so personal and are informed by the things which have happened to us in our lives and this explains why the same event can be experienced so differently by 2 people.

Often clients will say things like ‘you must be thinking…….’ or ‘I know that you think……’.  In other words they become mindreaders.  I will then ask how they know what I am thinking before asking how they could find out what I am thinking.  Of course the only way to know is to ask!

In my experience, mindreading is a very unhelpful thing to do.  It makes assumptions about other people and can keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns of behaviour.  Not only that, it can make us feel inadequate, unaccepted and isolated.  It can take quite an effort to give up this way of thinking and requires us to challenge the way we view others and the world.  Imagine what your life would be like if you trusted yourself and didn’t think that others thought you were silly or irritating or troublesome.  It could change your life.