The only person who can really know that what you’re doing isn’t working is you. You’re the one who has to try and get yourself to sleep at night. No one else can do that for you. All those things that keep churning over in your mind may be hard to silence. The missed opportunities, the regrets, the sadnesses, the grief, the what ifs. In times of loss the noise we create inside our heads can become very loud. At some point it might become unbearable and you might need some help because what you are doing isn’t working. Or maybe it’s what you’re not doing that is not helping.
Counselling
Social Anxiety……it’s never too late to change
by CBT Therapist, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire
‘I can’t win. It’s like there is a barrier between me and other people. I’d love to join in and make friends but I can’t. If other people knew what I was like they wouldn’t want to know me. They would soon find out how anxious I am. I would probably say the wrong thing and people would think I am stupid. It’s best if I don’t even try.’ [Read more…] about Social Anxiety……it’s never too late to change
I’m a convert so you should do it too
It’s a wonderful thing to find something that helps us. It can change the way we view ourselves, our relationships, the world and life in general. However, what works for me might not work for you and that is why asking someone else to tell you what to do can be really unhelpful. Counselling is one of those things that can change your life. It can work on so many levels. It can help you to understand and accept yourself. It can help you to understand your relationships and why you might keep repeating some unhelpful behaviours. It might help you to improve relationships with your partner, your family, your friends and work colleagues. Or it might simply be the only place where you can really be you and work through all those things that you don’t want to tell anyone else about. How often do we have the experience of starting to tell a family member or friend something before they jump in with their own story, say something silencing like ‘tell me about it’ or simply not care enough to engage and listen?
The way you make me feel
I don’t know if you have noticed but counsellors talk about feelings a lot. I’m smiling as I write that because the stereotypical therapist is often portrayed in the media as someone touching their chin and asking their client ‘How did that make you feel?’ While I do try to avoid asking that myself, it does happen.
So why is it so important to understand our feelings? Well it might be useful to draw on why you might be considering counselling in the first place. You might find that you are thinking or saying things like ‘I feel lost’, or ‘I feel depressed’. It is your feelings which are being foregrounded here, not your thoughts. Alternatively, it may be that you have no idea what you are feeling and you might say things like ‘I’m bad at relationships’ or ‘My boss doesn’t understand me’. Counselling helps you to understand your feelings. It helps you to recognise the triggers to these feelings and helps you to process them. It helps you to understand how to cope when your feelings are stopping you from doing what you would like to do and to manage them.
If you need someone to help you with the way you are feeling, please get in touch. Feel well.
What is counselling like?
There is no right way ‘to do’ counselling which sounds unsatisfactory I know. It is really going to depend so much on the relationship which develops between you and your Counsellor. It is also going to depend on the model of therapy your Counsellor draws on. For more on this please read my blog post different approaches to psychological therapy.
Why don’t you work on your own story?
Isn’t it funny how we can go through life being told what to do by other people. Parents, teachers, bosses, partners and even people who claim to be our friends. At some point most of us decide that we can make our own decisions and stop deferring to others. We learn to say what we need. We stop believing that other people have all the answers. We start to believe in ourselves and realise that even if we get it wrong we can learn from the experience and repair damage if necessary.
Unfortunately not everyone reaches this stage and I often work with clients who have no belief or confidence in themselves. It becomes obvious when they realise that counselling is not about being told what to do and that even though I’m a Counsellor I am not going to make their decisions for them. I love the phrase ‘why don’t you work on your own story.’ It says so much about opportunities, potential, choices and responsibility. It is not about trying to control others or about trying to live your life through others or blaming others. It’s about realising that it’s up to you.
Mind you saying ‘why don’t you work on your own story’ is really assuming that you are able to. That you have an awareness that other people may be pulling the strings in your life. I don’t want to diminish the fact that many people have few choices. Poverty is one of the biggest causes of mental health problems. You may feel oppressed and stuck in a job you hate. You may feel trapped in a bad relationship. You may feel you have to do what your family tells you otherwise you will be rejected. I can’t change any of these things. I can’t change society for you. I can’t make life fairer for you. I can work on my story though and do my bit and maybe that means working with you. Helping you to find a way to cope with the things you cannot change while working on the things you can change.