Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online
‘I can’t win. It’s like there is a barrier between me and other people. I’d love to join in and make friends but I can’t. If other people knew what I was like they wouldn’t want to know me. They would soon find out how anxious I am. I would probably say the wrong thing and people would think I am stupid. It’s best if I don’t even try.’ [Read more…] about Social Anxiety……it’s never too late to change
Isn’t it funny how we can go through life being told what to do by other people. Parents, teachers, bosses, partners and even people who claim to be our friends. At some point most of us decide that we can make our own decisions and stop deferring to others. We learn to say what we need. We stop believing that other people have all the answers. We start to believe in ourselves and realise that even if we get it wrong we can learn from the experience and repair damage if necessary.
Unfortunately not everyone reaches this stage and I often work with clients who have no belief or confidence in themselves. It becomes obvious when they realise that counselling is not about being told what to do and that even though I’m a Counsellor I am not going to make their decisions for them. I love the phrase ‘why don’t you work on your own story.’ It says so much about opportunities, potential, choices and responsibility. It is not about trying to control others or about trying to live your life through others or blaming others. It’s about realising that it’s up to you.
Mind you saying ‘why don’t you work on your own story’ is really assuming that you are able to. That you have an awareness that other people may be pulling the strings in your life. I don’t want to diminish the fact that many people have few choices. Poverty is one of the biggest causes of mental health problems. You may feel oppressed and stuck in a job you hate. You may feel trapped in a bad relationship. You may feel you have to do what your family tells you otherwise you will be rejected. I can’t change any of these things. I can’t change society for you. I can’t make life fairer for you. I can work on my story though and do my bit and maybe that means working with you. Helping you to find a way to cope with the things you cannot change while working on the things you can change.
Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up every day and feel that you’ve made a mess of your life? To look around and wonder exactly why you have made the choices you have made? To beat yourself up because you seem to have made the same mistakes over and over? To feel that you have no control over your life and that what lies ahead just seems too hard to face?
In my counselling practice I work with many people who feel like this. These people seek counselling because they can’t find anyone to understand them. They are fed up with people telling them to ‘get their act together’ or telling them that they are a ‘loser’. They feel distressed and lonely and simply don’t know what to do next. The good news is that the future does not have to be like the past. We can find a new way of being, explore different choices and learn to understand ourselves. If we’re not sure who we are then it’s hard to get to know anyone else…….let alone allow them to get to know us.
Working with a Counsellor can be a very healing process. It can help you to stop beating yourself up. To start to value yourself. To value others. To learn about what it means to be in an authentic relationship with another person. It could change your life.
When we are growing up and finding out who we are and our place in the world we can find ourselves being labelled by others. People might tell us we are shy or tell us to speak up. We can be left with the feeling that we are inadequate. We might watch how others and see how confident they are and wish we were like them.
Clients often ask me if they have been born shy. I can’t answer this. Some of how we turn out is down to our genes and some of it is down to what we have learnt , usually growing up. The millions of messages we receive during our childhood from the people around us leave an imprint on us. There are many interesting books about introverts and extroverts and if this is an area of interest then Dorothy Rowe writes in an accessible way.
While some people don’t mind about being shy, for others feeling shy or lacking in confidence is no fun. We can have a sense that our life is passing us by and that we are holding ourselves back in some way. The good news is that we are continually finding out who we are. It is possible to make changes to live in a more fulfilling way. The present does not have to be like the past.
So how is change possible? It might involve taking a risk and experimenting with new behaviour, for example contributing to a conversation or inviting some friends over. It might involve a change in thinking, for example to let go of believing that you have nothing decent to say or that you are boring. It might involve a change in the way you feel, deciding that you as good as everyone else. There are lots of self-help books out there to help with feeling shy. Counselling can also help to work with problems associated with shyness and low confidence. The problem is that this involves making the first step and contacting a Counsellor, not easy for someone feeling shy. Don’t worry, your Counsellor will understand this and if you feel they don’t, then please find someone who does.
Sometimes I feel quite exhausted. Trying to please other people is relentless. Actually I don’t mind too much because at least it means I’m not alone. I feel hurt when people tell me to ‘get a life’. It really plays on my mind and I keep going over what they’ve said. I have got a life. It’s dedicated to helping others. I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself in any way or giving my opinion about something. That’s not who I am.
Many people come to counselling and say things like ‘I have problems with my self-esteem’ or ‘I have always had low self-esteem’ and this is usually because other people have made comments about their behaviour. Low self-esteem is sometimes used to describe someone who does not seem to like or value themselves and who believes that they are in some way inferior to others.
Low self-esteem can be associated with a lack of assertiveness and can make people vulnerable to being exploited. Low self-esteem can pervade every aspect of someone’s life and result in feelings of sadness, shame, disappointment or frustration.
Self-esteem is linked to our ‘conditions of worth’ and these refer to messages that are received by an individual, often in childhood, which imply that a person has particular attributes or qualities and must behave in a certain way in order to be accepted. Such conditions may be positive or negative.
Often a person with low self-esteem will use phrases starting with ‘I should…….…..’ or ‘I ought to…………….’
People suffering from low self-esteem may be susceptible to depression. Having a negative opinion about ourselves can have a significant impact on how we live our lives and how we relate to other people. It can prevent us from achieving our potential and make us feel isolated, unhappy and ‘not good enough’. It means that we constantly evaluate ourselves in a negative way.
I’m worthless
I can’t cope
I don’t fit in
I am inferior
I’m not good enough
Avoiding situations
Reduced performance
Rumination
Negative thinking
Feeling down
Poor self care
People pleasing
Ruminating over events
Negative self talk
Avoiding potentially pleasurable activities
Underestimating strengths
Exaggerating weaknesses
Comfort eating
Use of alcohol or drugs
Our experiences while growing up have a profound effect on how we view the world and our place in it. Other factors which may be influential include:
Family of origin
Treatment at school
Relationships
Bullying
Abuse
Divorce
Bereavement
Redundancy
Counselling may help you to understand that the negative views you have of yourself are actually an opinion and not facts and can therefore be challenged. Having the opportunity to talk about how you feel in a supportive environment where you are not judged can be therapeutic in itself. Counselling can help you to learn more about yourself and to recognise your strengths and resources. You can consider what you would like your life to be like and discover what changes you would like to make.
Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.
Many people come to counselling and say things like ‘I have problems with my self-esteem’ or ‘I have always had low self-esteem’ and this is usually because other people have made comments about their behaviour. [Read more…] about Low Self-Esteem
