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Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Christine

Is the past being played out in the present?

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Do you find yourself stuck in your life and not know how to find a way forward?  Does it seem like your relationships go wrong….and they always do?  Do you keep ruminating over things that happened to you in the past and keep going over and over details?  Do you wish that your life was different but feel that whatever you try makes no difference?

We all have times when we feel that life is hard and that we have messed up.  You might find it hard to understand why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  You might beat yourself up for getting something wrong and find it really hard to say sorry.  You might make assumptions about other people and think that they have got life figured out.  That can make you feel more miserable.  Like you’re alone.   You might isolate yourself from others.  Or you might adopt some coping strategies to comfort yourself.  Like eating too much.  Or drinking too much.  Or taking drugs.

Sometimes the reason people find it hard to cope or enjoy life is that the past is being played out in the present.  Counselling can help you to understand whether this is happening.  Some people don’t want to trawl through their past and this is understandable.  It can be painful.  However, recognising how the past is still ‘alive’ can help you to make some changes in your life.  Better choices leading to a more fulfilled life.

Wanting someone to be different

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What do you do if you want someone to be different and you want them to change?  How do you do this?  This is a common question that clients bring to counselling.  And I don’t know the answer. We simply can’t change other people.  It’s no good having a relationship with someone based on the idea that you can change them.  It never works and often ends in disappointment and resentment.  We can only change ourselves and how we deal with something or someone.  And when we realise this we may notice that other people start to change how they are with us.

Imagine that you have a friend who always puts you down in front of other people and makes fun of you.  You might allow this to continue because you like this person (and maybe some counselling could help you to figure that one out) or because you feel that you have to put up with it because you need to please others and you don’t want other people to think badly of you (again some counselling could help to understand this too).  Now imagine that the next time this ‘friend’ put you down that you said in a firm and neutral way ‘I don’t like being made fun of.’  What do you think would happen?   We can’t know for sure but it’s likely that your ‘friend’ would be surprised and really hear that they had gone too far.  They would recognise that they had hurt your feelings.  It’s possible that other people would think ‘good for you to stick up for yourself….I wish I was able to do that.’  A small change can have a big impact.  Imagine now what your life would be like if you were able to be assertive in a respectful way.  Maybe there would be no more angry outbursts or stored up resentments.  Maybe you’d stop putting up with people who didn’t deserve to be in your life.

That old devil – making assumptions

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Have you ever felt that the world is well and truly against you?  That no matter what you do you seem to mess up or get things wrong or that you ruin your relationships.  Do you beat yourself up about all the times you weren’t perfect?  It’s so easy to disregard all the great stuff you do in life if you  suffer from underlying low confidence or low self-esteem.  Guess what.  Most of us have days when we feel like this.  I know I do.  And I know lots of other people who feel like this sometimes too.  The problem is if you feel like this all the time.  It’s really important to get a perspective and talking things over can help you to decide on the things that you would like to change in your life.  The things which stop you feeling like the world is against you.

In my work as a Counsellor I never fail to be surprised at the extent to which people make assumptions.  It is probably one of the most unhelpful and toxic things we can do to ourselves.  Imagine if you stopped making assumptions.  You could let go of continually worrying what others thought of you.  You could learn to trust your own judgment.  You could stop beating yourself up about the things which didn’t go well.  And you could stop thinking that everyone else has got life figured out and knows all the answers.  The only thing I can know is what I think and feel.  If I want to know about anyone else then I’d have to ask them.  Try it.  You might be surprised.

The importance of compassion

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On my way home last night the traffic was slow and I noticed a young woman near my car shouting angrily at a man on the other side of the road.  She looked so angry and upset and she had tears running down her face.  I couldn’t understand all her words but her language was colourful.  I glanced across the road.  The young man she was addressing had his head down and looked embarrassed.  There was something about the whole incident which touched me deep inside.  A real sense that two people were hurting.  One didn’t care who knew and the other cared very much.

I wondered about the other people witnessing this.  I suspect that some people felt the same as I did and maybe others felt a bit embarrassed themselves.  Perhaps others were judgmental and thought that the woman was behaving inappropriately in public.  The thing is we just don’t know what is going on for other people.  All I knew from this situation was that someone was hurting and a kind word makes all the difference.  Being compassionate to people we know and love is easy.  It’s being like that to those we don’t know that’s the hard bit in life.

Lost your motivation?

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We all go through phases when we lack motivation and just can’t seem to get started on the things we want or need to do.  That’s normal.  Maybe you’re feeling tired or a bit overwhelmed by the big list of jobs to do.  Maybe you don’t want to ask for help.  Asking for help is something that many people find hard and consider to be a sign of weakness.  It’s actually a sign of strength.  To be able to recognise that you need other people is a positive thing.  If your motivation seems to have disappeared maybe you could take a small step and just do one thing right now that you have been putting off.  If you are a high achiever then losing your motivation can seem particularly harsh.  Now is the time to be kind to you.  Take good care of yourself and accept that this will pass.

If, however, your loss of motivation does not pass after a few weeks and you are experiencing other symptoms like feeling tired, feeling down or not eating or sleeping well, then it could be helpful to talk things through with someone and maybe try some counselling to try and find out if they are any underlying issues which may be contributing to your current difficulties.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying?   Does it touch you in some deep place?  Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’?  Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’?  And does it matter where it happens?  For example is crying at work completely unacceptable?   What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there?  Besides what is the crying about anyway?  Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself?  Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness.  A sign of not coping.  They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful.  Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient.  It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning.  How sad.  I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable.  Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad.  An indication that we may be suffering.  At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings.  And to accept how things are for us right now.