Work Problems

Good enough is not good enough

August 6th, 2020 by Christine Bonsmann

Imagine how your life would be if you felt comfortable with things being good enough? Would you feel like a failure? Or would you feel as though you had achieved an enviable goal? Your response indicates how you dance with life and how you evaluate yourself.

For a perfectionist or someone who suffers from anxiety, the idea of being good enough might feel awful and a second-rate position to aspire to. It might imply that you have not really tried hard enough to achieve excellence and that you are one of those people who is a bit on the lazy side and lacks ambition. For someone who is comfortable with being good enough, the idea of being perfect is an unattainable goal and they may realise that there are many things they wish to focus on in their life apart from work or study or looking perfect. Or it may be that things are far from good enough because you are procrastinating and feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to start changing things.

There is no right answer here and some people are happy with seeking perfection. For others, this can be an anxiety-provoking and isolating pursuit which can be exacerbated by others failing to understand just how important it feels to get everything right or give 100% all the time. In fact, the more others fail to understand the needs of the perfectionist, the more anxious and isolated the person can become. This can lead to arguments and the breakdown of relationships with friends, partners, family and colleagues. The same can be said of poor performance.

If you are struggling with perfectionism or with procrastination and a lack of performance, it can be hard to understand how to change things. You might be stuck and powerless and feel that no one is going to understand. You might be falling behind at work or woth your studies. It might be useful to seek some help to explore what is going on and possible changes you could make to live live in a more fulfilling way. Therapy can help you to do this, and to figure out how you would like the rest of your life to be.

I’m worried I’m going to be found out

January 4th, 2015 by Christine Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered whether other people are going to declare that you are a fake and simply not up to it….whether it be a job or some studies….or a relationship….or something else that matters to you. If not, that’s great. It sounds like you feel confident about yourself. If on the other hand you go through life feeling like this, then it sounds like you may have low self-esteem. Or a critical voice inside your head which says you are not good enough, never have been and never will. And it’s only a matter of time before everyone else finds out and rejects you.

I don’t want to start trying to analyse why you might have low self-esteem. It’s not really my style. However, I do think it can help to understand where it comes from. Mainly because you can start to challenge some of the assumptions you might be making. If you can remember feeling like this when you were growing up then it’s probably no surprise that you feel like this now. Big people seem to be very good at telling little people about all their shortcomings. Over and over.

Feeling like you are going to be ‘found out’ adds another layer of stress to a situation that might be stressful enough. Imagine what your life would be like if you started to trust in yourself and your abilities. Let go of the beliefs that you are inadequate or not good enough. Who’s voice are you hearing? Who is it that is telling you don’t add up to very much.

I think that counselling can really help if you feel like this. I promise you that if you decide to work with me I won’t ask you to write down a list of all the things you are good at. I can’t imagine anything worse. If someone tried to work with me like that I’d run a mile. After all, if you knew that stuff you wouldn’t need me in the first place.

Lost your motivation?

June 5th, 2011 by Christine Leave a Comment

We all go through phases when we lack motivation and just can’t seem to get started on the things we want or need to do. That’s normal. Maybe you’re feeling tired or a bit overwhelmed by the big list of jobs to do. Maybe you don’t want to ask for help. Asking for help is something that many people find hard and consider to be a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength. To be able to recognise that you need other people is a positive thing. If your motivation seems to have disappeared maybe you could take a small step and just do one thing right now that you have been putting off. If you are a high achiever then losing your motivation can seem particularly harsh. Now is the time to be kind to you. Take good care of yourself and accept that this will pass.

If, however, your loss of motivation does not pass after a few weeks and you are experiencing other symptoms like feeling tired, feeling down or not eating or sleeping well, then it could be helpful to talk things through with someone and maybe try some counselling to try and find out if they are any underlying issues which may be contributing to your current difficulties.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

May 26th, 2011 by Christine Leave a Comment

by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Staffordshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying? Does it touch you in some deep place? Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’? Or does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’? And does it matter where it happens? For example is crying at work completely unacceptable? What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there? Besides what is the crying about anyway? Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself? Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness. A sign of not coping. They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful. Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient. It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning. How sad. I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable. Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad. An indication that we may be suffering. At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings. And to accept how things are for us right now.

What can we learn from The Apprentice

May 11th, 2011 by Christine Leave a Comment

When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time. I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that. I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life. For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity. I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever. For me it’s simply not negotiable. And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them. Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values. It’s still possible to be kind. Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house? Now that would be very interesting!

Work Stress

January 27th, 2011 by Christine Leave a Comment

Work/Life Balance

Many clients come to counselling because they recognise that they are finding it difficult to achieve a balance between work and their personal life. They may be suffering from symptoms commonly associated with anxiety and depression, for example not being able to sleep and feeling tense.

Our work is important to us. It helps us to define who we are and gives us a sense of purpose and belonging. Our work enables us to find out about our strengths and weaknesses and identify areas that we would like to develop in. It can be challenging and sustaining and rewarding and stressful. In addition we create relationships with our colleagues. If we experience stress we may find that these relationships are a source of support. For others, however, relationships at work may become strained and difficult to manage.

Do you recognise any of the following:

‘I often work late and at weekends.’

‘I need to be available to work all the time because I am the only one who can answer certain questions.’

‘I don’t really like taking holidays because I have so much to do.’

‘My family and friends don’t understand the stresses of my job.’

‘I have increased my use of caffeine/alcohol to help me to cope with work.’

‘I am starting to make mistakes.’

‘I feel irritable with others.’

‘Physically I’m starting to notice changes. My chest hurts quite often.’

‘I am finding it hard to sleep.’

‘Colleagues have commented that I seem withdrawn.’

‘My boss relies on me a lot.’

‘I have outgrown my job.’

‘I feel stuck.’

When things at work start to go wrong it can interfere with other areas in our lives. We can end up feeling angry, stressed and exhausted. We might not have time for our family and friends and avoid socialising. We may stop enjoyable activities and hobbies because we are too busy. We might bring work home regularly, keep our telephone switched on all the time or keep checking our emails. We might spend the entire weekend in bed because we need to conserve our energy for work.

Other people may start to comment on our behaviour and we may become defensive or snappy. Our performance at work may begin to suffer and we might start to make mistakes, find it difficult to concentrate or forget things. We can end up feeling stuck or trapped and start to worry about losing our job. We might find it hard to ask for help because we don’t want others to think we are ‘weak’ or vulnerable. We might believe that others would lose respect for us if they knew we were struggling to cope.

How can counselling help?

Making the decision to try counselling is difficult for those suffering from work stress. It requires an investment in your time and a commitment to come along to regular sessions. Sometimes people wait until they reach a crisis point before they seek help. Why wait that long? Early intervention can help mild problems from becoming more serious. Counselling can help you to address the problems at work which may be causing you stress and help you to decide how you would like your life to be. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

You always have a choice.