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Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Low Self-Esteem

I’ve made a mess of my life

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Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up every day and feel that you’ve made a mess of your life?  To look around and wonder exactly why you have made the choices you have made?  To beat yourself up because you seem to have made the same mistakes over and over?  To feel that you have no control over your life and that what lies ahead just seems too hard to face?

In my counselling practice I work with many people who feel like this.  These people seek counselling because they can’t find anyone to understand them.  They are fed up with people telling them to ‘get their act together’ or telling them that they are a ‘loser’.  They feel distressed and lonely and simply don’t know what to do next.  The good news is that the future does not have to be like the past.  We can find a new way of being, explore different choices and learn to understand ourselves.  If we’re not sure who we are then it’s hard to get to know anyone else…….let alone allow them to get to know us.

Working with a Counsellor can be a very healing process.  It can help you to stop beating yourself up.  To start to value yourself.  To value others.  To learn about what it means to be in an authentic relationship with another person.  It could change your life.

Is the past being played out in the present?

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Do you find yourself stuck in your life and not know how to find a way forward?  Does it seem like your relationships go wrong….and they always do?  Do you keep ruminating over things that happened to you in the past and keep going over and over details?  Do you wish that your life was different but feel that whatever you try makes no difference?

We all have times when we feel that life is hard and that we have messed up.  You might find it hard to understand why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  You might beat yourself up for getting something wrong and find it really hard to say sorry.  You might make assumptions about other people and think that they have got life figured out.  That can make you feel more miserable.  Like you’re alone.   You might isolate yourself from others.  Or you might adopt some coping strategies to comfort yourself.  Like eating too much.  Or drinking too much.  Or taking drugs.

Sometimes the reason people find it hard to cope or enjoy life is that the past is being played out in the present.  Counselling can help you to understand whether this is happening.  Some people don’t want to trawl through their past and this is understandable.  It can be painful.  However, recognising how the past is still ‘alive’ can help you to make some changes in your life.  Better choices leading to a more fulfilled life.

Wanting someone to be different

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What do you do if you want someone to be different and you want them to change?  How do you do this?  This is a common question that clients bring to counselling.  And I don’t know the answer. We simply can’t change other people.  It’s no good having a relationship with someone based on the idea that you can change them.  It never works and often ends in disappointment and resentment.  We can only change ourselves and how we deal with something or someone.  And when we realise this we may notice that other people start to change how they are with us.

Imagine that you have a friend who always puts you down in front of other people and makes fun of you.  You might allow this to continue because you like this person (and maybe some counselling could help you to figure that one out) or because you feel that you have to put up with it because you need to please others and you don’t want other people to think badly of you (again some counselling could help to understand this too).  Now imagine that the next time this ‘friend’ put you down that you said in a firm and neutral way ‘I don’t like being made fun of.’  What do you think would happen?   We can’t know for sure but it’s likely that your ‘friend’ would be surprised and really hear that they had gone too far.  They would recognise that they had hurt your feelings.  It’s possible that other people would think ‘good for you to stick up for yourself….I wish I was able to do that.’  A small change can have a big impact.  Imagine now what your life would be like if you were able to be assertive in a respectful way.  Maybe there would be no more angry outbursts or stored up resentments.  Maybe you’d stop putting up with people who didn’t deserve to be in your life.

That old devil – making assumptions

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Have you ever felt that the world is well and truly against you?  That no matter what you do you seem to mess up or get things wrong or that you ruin your relationships.  Do you beat yourself up about all the times you weren’t perfect?  It’s so easy to disregard all the great stuff you do in life if you  suffer from underlying low confidence or low self-esteem.  Guess what.  Most of us have days when we feel like this.  I know I do.  And I know lots of other people who feel like this sometimes too.  The problem is if you feel like this all the time.  It’s really important to get a perspective and talking things over can help you to decide on the things that you would like to change in your life.  The things which stop you feeling like the world is against you.

In my work as a Counsellor I never fail to be surprised at the extent to which people make assumptions.  It is probably one of the most unhelpful and toxic things we can do to ourselves.  Imagine if you stopped making assumptions.  You could let go of continually worrying what others thought of you.  You could learn to trust your own judgment.  You could stop beating yourself up about the things which didn’t go well.  And you could stop thinking that everyone else has got life figured out and knows all the answers.  The only thing I can know is what I think and feel.  If I want to know about anyone else then I’d have to ask them.  Try it.  You might be surprised.

Is everyone else better than you?

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Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone else is better than you? Do you ever think that what other people have to say matters more than what you have to say? Have you ever felt that you should stay in the background and let others take the limelight? I often work with people who feel like this. Why is this? In psychology the nature versus nature debate is well established. Some people argue that how we turn out is down to genes. It’s all there in our DNA. Others disagree and say that how we turn out is all down to how we are reared, the experiences that we have in childhood.

I, and many others, think that how we turn out is influenced by both our genes and our upbringing. We learn so much in childhood. If our parents row continuously then we may never learn how to establish a loving relationship. If the people around us are worriers then we may learn to worry too.

Now imagine that you felt that you were as good as other people. That your voice mattered just as much. That people would be pleased to meet you and find out about you. That you were entitled to a life. Is that hard? Well where is it written down that you can’t be all these things. Thought so. It’s probably you that is telling yourself this stuff.

The great thing is that you can change. Become the person you would like to be. Counselling can help with this. What are you waiting for?

Feeling Shy

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

Shyness, low confidence, low self-esteem

When we are growing up and finding out who we are and our place in the world we can find ourselves being labelled by others.  People might tell us we are shy or tell us to speak up.  We can be left with the feeling that we are inadequate.  We might watch how others and see how confident they are and wish we were like them.

Clients often ask me if they have been born shy. I can’t answer this.  Some of how we turn out is down to our genes and some of it is down to what we have learnt , usually growing up.  The millions of messages we receive during our childhood from the people around us leave an imprint on us.  There are many interesting books about introverts and extroverts and if this is an area of interest then Dorothy Rowe writes in an accessible way.

While some people don’t mind about being shy, for others feeling shy or lacking in confidence is no fun.  We can have a sense that our life is passing us by and that we are holding ourselves back in some way.  The good news is that we are continually finding out who we are.  It is possible to make changes to live in a more fulfilling way.  The present does not have to be like the past.

So how is change possible?  It might involve taking a risk and experimenting with new behaviour, for example contributing to a conversation or inviting some friends over.  It might involve a change in thinking, for example to let go of believing that you have nothing decent to say or that you are boring.  It might involve a change in the way you feel, deciding that you as good as everyone else.  There are lots of self-help books out there to help with feeling shy.  Counselling can also help to work with problems associated with shyness and low confidence.  The problem is that this involves making the first step and contacting a Counsellor, not easy for someone feeling shy.  Don’t worry, your Counsellor will understand this and if you feel they don’t, then please find someone who does.