Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Low Self-Esteem

Good enough is not good enough

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Imagine how your life would be if you felt comfortable with things being good enough?  Would you feel like a failure?  Or would you feel as though you had achieved an enviable goal?  Your response indicates how you dance with life and how you evaluate yourself.

For a perfectionist or someone who suffers from anxiety, the idea of being good enough might feel awful and a second-rate position to aspire to.  It might imply that you have not really tried hard enough to achieve excellence and that you are one of those people who is a bit on the lazy side and lacks ambition.  For someone who is comfortable with being good enough, the idea of being perfect is an unattainable goal and they may realise that there are many things they wish to focus on in their life apart from work or study or looking perfect.   Or it may be that things are far from good enough because you are procrastinating and feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to start changing things.

There is no right answer here and some people are happy with seeking perfection.  For others, this can be an anxiety-provoking and isolating pursuit which can be exacerbated by others failing to understand just how important it feels to get everything right or give 100% all the time.  In fact, the more others fail to understand the needs of the perfectionist, the more anxious and isolated the person can become.  This can lead to arguments and the breakdown of relationships with friends, partners, family and colleagues.  The same can be said of poor performance.

If you are struggling with perfectionism or with procrastination and  a lack of performance, it can be hard to understand how to change things.  You might be stuck and powerless and feel that no one is going to understand.  You might be falling behind at work or with your studies.  It might be useful to seek some help to explore what is going on and possible changes you could make to live live in a more fulfilling way.  Therapy can help you to do this, and to figure out how you would like the rest of your life to be.

 

How long does the ‘new toy’ feeling last?

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It can feel exciting to get a ‘new toy’, whatever that ‘toy’ may be for you.  Maybe it’s a new car that you just can’t stop admiring or a new gadget that you can’t put down.  All these new things can help to break the monotony that can creep into our lives unnoticed and/or provide a welcome break from feelings of stress or anxiety.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  It can become problematic, however, when we can’t enjoy or value what we have because we are worried about what we don’t have or what we want next.

Have you noticed that you are constantly looking for the next thing to make yourself feel ok?  Are you finding it hard to sit with your feelings or find a way to live in a fulfilling way?  If you feel that you could benefit from some help with figuring out how you would like your life to be, maybe therapy could help.

Why do I feel bad about not putting up with people who are no good for me?

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There are a lot of articles online about ‘toxic’ people and ‘toxic’ relationships. Sometimes I nod my head in agreement as I read them but there are times when I pause and reflect on what ‘toxic’ means and what a damaging and convenient label it can be. My understanding of toxic is anything that damages me in some way. It’s easy to see how a poor diet or lack of exercise can be harmful to our wellbeing. However, what about if the source of damage is in your family. What then?

[Read more…] about Why do I feel bad about not putting up with people who are no good for me?

Is there any point?

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Do you ever look around you and wonder what’s the point?  Maybe other people say things to you like ‘it’s alright for you’ or ‘you’ve got it all’ and you feel silenced and unable to say how you really feel.  It can feel as though you are not entitled to your feelings and feel judged by the people you want to care about you.

Does it ever feel really hard to put one foot in front of the other and function and do all the things you usually do without even thinking about them?  Maybe it feels like you are stuck on a treadmill of work, work, work and any space for downtime is filled with worrying about work, your future, mistakes you have made or how you are going to pay the bills.  On top of all that, maybe you have started to feel a bit unwell physically.  Maybe you can’t sleep and feel exhausted.  Or you might have some unexplained medical symptoms and every time you go to the doctor you feel like you are not being believed.  How lonely that experience can be.

Do you ever feel like everyone just gets on your nerves?  Especially the people you love.  Do you feel like you just want to slam the door shut and be left alone and that everyone who contacts you is irritating or just wants a piece of you?  Are you fed up with being nice and understanding and think it would be nice if someone understood you for a change?

Sometimes we all feel a bit jaded by life.  Stress can overwhelm us and make us withdraw from life until we recover our focus.  Sometimes we can’t seem to find our way back to where we’d like to be and we need help with that.  It’s an isolating experience to feel that no one understands us or is able to help us feel better.  Counselling and CBT can be very helpful if you feel lost or confused or alone.  Please get in touch.

Why don’t you work on your own story?

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Isn’t it funny how we can go through life being told what to do by other people.  Parents, teachers, bosses, partners and even people who claim to be our friends.  At some point most of us decide that we can make our own decisions and stop deferring to others.  We learn to say what we need.  We stop believing that other people have all the answers.  We start to believe in ourselves and realise that even if we get it wrong we can learn from the experience and repair damage if necessary.

Unfortunately not everyone reaches this stage and I often work with clients who have no belief or confidence in themselves.  It becomes obvious when they realise that counselling is not about being told what to do and that even though I’m a Counsellor I am not going to make their decisions for them.  I love the phrase ‘why don’t you work on your own story.’  It says so much about opportunities, potential, choices and responsibility.  It is not about trying to control others or about trying to live your life through others or blaming others.  It’s about realising that it’s up to you.

Mind you saying ‘why don’t you work on your own story’ is really assuming that you are able to.  That you have an awareness that other people may be pulling the strings in your life.  I don’t want to diminish the fact that many people have few choices.  Poverty is one of the biggest causes of mental health problems.  You may feel oppressed and stuck in a job you hate.  You may feel trapped in a bad relationship.  You may feel you have to do what your family tells you otherwise you will be rejected.  I can’t change any of these things.  I can’t change society for you.  I can’t make life fairer for you.  I can work on my story though and do my bit and maybe that means working with you.  Helping you to find a way to cope with the things you cannot change while working on the things you can change.

I’m worried I’m going to be found out

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Have you ever wondered whether other people are going to declare that you are a fake and simply not up to it….whether it be a job or some studies….or a relationship….or something else that matters to you.  If not, that’s great.  It sounds like you feel confident about yourself.  If on the other hand you go through life feeling like this, then it sounds like you may have low self-esteem.  Or a critical voice inside your head which says you are not good enough, never have been and never will.  And it’s only a matter of time before everyone else finds out and rejects you.

I don’t want to start trying to analyse why you might have low self-esteem.  It’s not really my style.  However, I do think it can help to understand where it comes from.  Mainly because you can start to challenge some of the assumptions you might be making.  If you can remember feeling like this when you were growing up then it’s probably no surprise that you feel like this now.  Big people seem to be very good at telling little people about all their shortcomings.  Over and over.

Feeling like you are going to be ‘found out’ adds another layer of stress to a situation that might be stressful enough.  Imagine what your life would be like if you started to trust in yourself and your abilities.  Let go of the beliefs that you are inadequate or not good enough.  Who’s voice are you hearing?  Who is it that is telling you don’t add up to very much.

I think that counselling can really help if you feel like this.  I promise you that if you decide to work with me I won’t ask you to write down a list of all the things you are good at.  I can’t imagine anything worse.  If someone tried to work with me like that I’d run a mile.  After all, if you knew that stuff you wouldn’t need me in the first place.