Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online
‘I can’t win. It’s like there is a barrier between me and other people. I’d love to join in and make friends but I can’t. If other people knew what I was like they wouldn’t want to know me. They would soon find out how anxious I am. I would probably say the wrong thing and people would think I am stupid. It’s best if I don’t even try.’ [Read more…] about Social Anxiety……it’s never too late to change
When we are growing up and finding out who we are and our place in the world we can find ourselves being labelled by others. People might tell us we are shy or tell us to speak up. We can be left with the feeling that we are inadequate. We might watch how others and see how confident they are and wish we were like them.
Clients often ask me if they have been born shy. I can’t answer this. Some of how we turn out is down to our genes and some of it is down to what we have learnt , usually growing up. The millions of messages we receive during our childhood from the people around us leave an imprint on us. There are many interesting books about introverts and extroverts and if this is an area of interest then Dorothy Rowe writes in an accessible way.
While some people don’t mind about being shy, for others feeling shy or lacking in confidence is no fun. We can have a sense that our life is passing us by and that we are holding ourselves back in some way. The good news is that we are continually finding out who we are. It is possible to make changes to live in a more fulfilling way. The present does not have to be like the past.
So how is change possible? It might involve taking a risk and experimenting with new behaviour, for example contributing to a conversation or inviting some friends over. It might involve a change in thinking, for example to let go of believing that you have nothing decent to say or that you are boring. It might involve a change in the way you feel, deciding that you as good as everyone else. There are lots of self-help books out there to help with feeling shy. Counselling can also help to work with problems associated with shyness and low confidence. The problem is that this involves making the first step and contacting a Counsellor, not easy for someone feeling shy. Don’t worry, your Counsellor will understand this and if you feel they don’t, then please find someone who does.
I never really feel good about myself. I find it hard to make friends. I can never really figure out the right balance between being needy and being stand offish. Being needy is a really bad place to be. I watch others and try and figure out what they’re doing. It looks like everyone else has got this relationship business figured out. Except me. The annoying thing is that when someone starts to get close to me I push them away. And then I feel lonely. I’m not surprised that people find me confusing. I’m pretty confused myself.
Do you find yourself repeating the same old patterns in your relationships with others? Do you feel stuck and unclear about how to improve you relationships? Do you ever have the following thoughts:
‘I feel trapped in my relationship.’
‘It’s always about them and never about me.’
‘I feel that other people don’t like me.’
‘I crave close relationships, but I push people away if they get too close.’
‘I feel inferior to others and stay in the background.’
‘I’m a people pleaser.’
‘I don’t feel heard.’
‘If something goes wrong others always turn it around and make it my fault.’
‘I can’t say no to others.’
Our relationships can nourish us and help us to feel that we belong. Connecting with others is important for our emotional wellbeing and can help to make us feel safe and secure.
If we find it hard to be in a relationship with others then we can end up feeling lonely and misunderstood. We can start to think that we are the only ones who are not good at creating successful relationships. This can lead to problems in our families and at work.
It can be hard to admit that we find relationships difficult. We can make assumptions about other people and believe that they have all the answers when it comes to relationships. Counselling offers you a confidential and non-judgmental environment to explore what is troubling you. It can help you to understand yourself better and to identify the patterns of behaviour in your relationships. It can give you an understanding of the importance of appropriate boundaries in relationships and the confidence to say what your needs are.
Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.
One of the most inhibiting thoughts we can have is that other people are judging us. Can you imagine living your life constantly worrying about what others think of you and feeling that you don’t measure up? [Read more…] about Feeling Judged? Feeling Inferior?
