Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Depression

I’ve made a mess of my life

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Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up every day and feel that you’ve made a mess of your life?  To look around and wonder exactly why you have made the choices you have made?  To beat yourself up because you seem to have made the same mistakes over and over?  To feel that you have no control over your life and that what lies ahead just seems too hard to face?

In my counselling practice I work with many people who feel like this.  These people seek counselling because they can’t find anyone to understand them.  They are fed up with people telling them to ‘get their act together’ or telling them that they are a ‘loser’.  They feel distressed and lonely and simply don’t know what to do next.  The good news is that the future does not have to be like the past.  We can find a new way of being, explore different choices and learn to understand ourselves.  If we’re not sure who we are then it’s hard to get to know anyone else…….let alone allow them to get to know us.

Working with a Counsellor can be a very healing process.  It can help you to stop beating yourself up.  To start to value yourself.  To value others.  To learn about what it means to be in an authentic relationship with another person.  It could change your life.

Is the past being played out in the present?

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Do you find yourself stuck in your life and not know how to find a way forward?  Does it seem like your relationships go wrong….and they always do?  Do you keep ruminating over things that happened to you in the past and keep going over and over details?  Do you wish that your life was different but feel that whatever you try makes no difference?

We all have times when we feel that life is hard and that we have messed up.  You might find it hard to understand why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  You might beat yourself up for getting something wrong and find it really hard to say sorry.  You might make assumptions about other people and think that they have got life figured out.  That can make you feel more miserable.  Like you’re alone.   You might isolate yourself from others.  Or you might adopt some coping strategies to comfort yourself.  Like eating too much.  Or drinking too much.  Or taking drugs.

Sometimes the reason people find it hard to cope or enjoy life is that the past is being played out in the present.  Counselling can help you to understand whether this is happening.  Some people don’t want to trawl through their past and this is understandable.  It can be painful.  However, recognising how the past is still ‘alive’ can help you to make some changes in your life.  Better choices leading to a more fulfilled life.

Lost your motivation?

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We all go through phases when we lack motivation and just can’t seem to get started on the things we want or need to do.  That’s normal.  Maybe you’re feeling tired or a bit overwhelmed by the big list of jobs to do.  Maybe you don’t want to ask for help.  Asking for help is something that many people find hard and consider to be a sign of weakness.  It’s actually a sign of strength.  To be able to recognise that you need other people is a positive thing.  If your motivation seems to have disappeared maybe you could take a small step and just do one thing right now that you have been putting off.  If you are a high achiever then losing your motivation can seem particularly harsh.  Now is the time to be kind to you.  Take good care of yourself and accept that this will pass.

If, however, your loss of motivation does not pass after a few weeks and you are experiencing other symptoms like feeling tired, feeling down or not eating or sleeping well, then it could be helpful to talk things through with someone and maybe try some counselling to try and find out if they are any underlying issues which may be contributing to your current difficulties.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying?   Does it touch you in some deep place?  Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’?  Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’?  And does it matter where it happens?  For example is crying at work completely unacceptable?   What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there?  Besides what is the crying about anyway?  Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself?  Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness.  A sign of not coping.  They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful.  Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient.  It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning.  How sad.  I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable.  Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad.  An indication that we may be suffering.  At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings.  And to accept how things are for us right now.

The yo-yo relationship

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So many clients come to see me because they are in a yo-yo relationship.  One minute it’s good and the next minute it’s bad.  Relationships like this can make you feel confused and cause misery and it can be really hard to figure out whether to try and make the relationship work or to cut your losses and end it once and for all.  The first thing to consider is what you get from the relationship.  What do you like about being with this person.  If you can’t think of anything then it may be time to wonder why you are putting yourself through this misery.  If you can come up with some benefits it can help to consider what is wrong with the relationship and what you would like to be different.  So if you had a magic wand what would that relationship be like?

Sometimes it can be helpful to try couples counselling to improve a relationship.  Couple counselling is not about being given advice and told what to do.  It’s an opportunity to understand each other.  If you both want to work on your relationship then it can help if you really try to listen to each other without making assumptions or interrupting.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Try not to use blaming phrases such as “you always……….” And learn how to ‘own’ your feelings.  You might be very surprised at the results.

Feeling Sad?

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It can be such a lonely experience to feel sad.  And so unhelpful when others say ‘come on, cheer up’ or ‘pull yourself together.’  Of course the people who love and care about us find it hard to deal with if we’re struggling.  However, telling someone to ‘pull yourself together’ is not really understanding how the other person is feeling.  Not only that, it assumes that they can pull themselves together.

In my experience the most helpful way to help someone who is feeling sad is to try and understand what it must feel like for them.  We all have sad experiences that we can draw on because our lives are characterised by loss.  Throughout our lives we are continually saying goodbye to people we love or care about.  Every new chapter in our lives creates an ending.  Goodbye to the old.  It is normal to feel sad if we are grieving.  To be accepted can be healing in itself.  To be allowed to be who we are and to be allowed to do what we need to do.

Sometimes though it can be hard to move on from feeling sad and the feelings may persist.  If this is the case we may withdraw, not wanting to burden our families and friends.  If this happens maybe counselling can help you to find a way forward.  To process your feelings and to come to a place of acceptance.