Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Christine

Feeling Sad?

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It can be such a lonely experience to feel sad.  And so unhelpful when others say ‘come on, cheer up’ or ‘pull yourself together.’  Of course the people who love and care about us find it hard to deal with if we’re struggling.  However, telling someone to ‘pull yourself together’ is not really understanding how the other person is feeling.  Not only that, it assumes that they can pull themselves together.

In my experience the most helpful way to help someone who is feeling sad is to try and understand what it must feel like for them.  We all have sad experiences that we can draw on because our lives are characterised by loss.  Throughout our lives we are continually saying goodbye to people we love or care about.  Every new chapter in our lives creates an ending.  Goodbye to the old.  It is normal to feel sad if we are grieving.  To be accepted can be healing in itself.  To be allowed to be who we are and to be allowed to do what we need to do.

Sometimes though it can be hard to move on from feeling sad and the feelings may persist.  If this is the case we may withdraw, not wanting to burden our families and friends.  If this happens maybe counselling can help you to find a way forward.  To process your feelings and to come to a place of acceptance.

Why doesn’t my counsellor give me all the answers?

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Counselling can be quite frustrating for some clients because they want to be told what to do. This is so common, especially if growing up your views were disregarded and your feelings were ignored. You might have learnt that other people had all the answers. You never learnt to trust yourself. Ironically, often the reason people seek counselling is because the people in their lives are telling them what to do and they feel controlled and diminished……..and yet they want their counsellor to make decisions for them.
Counselling is not about advice or imposing a view. It is about trust and mutuality in a relationship. It is a chance to talk about your problems and concerns confidentially and to explore your choices and the ways you could make some changes in your life. Your counsellor will help you in this process and help you to understand yourself. You may see some different perspectives on your situation or how you might be contributing to your own difficulties. You might even learn some coping strategies. However, you won’t be told what to do. That would be disrespectful.
In many ways the counselling relationship is like no other relationship in your life. It is a professional and boundaried relationship. You don’t become friends after the work has finished or keep in touch. It is a place to experiment with different behaviour and find out who you are. It can be an interesting and helpful experience and it can be challenging and confusing. If you are struggling it can be really helpful to tell your counsellor and work on this. You see the problems we have in the ‘real’ world often come into the counselling room too, so what better place to discover a more fulfilling way to be in a relationship.

Endings in Counselling

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Endings and Loss

There’s an advertisement on TV (not sure for what!) and the scene is in an airport arrivals hall. It’s about people reconnecting (might be for a mobile phone company) and people embracing. It’s about love and starting again. Saying hello. There is something about that scene which never fails to touch me on some deep level inside. Maybe it’s because I recognise the feelings portrayed by these actors. I know how it feels to say hello and to acknowledge how much I have missed someone I care about.

On the other hand, maybe it’s because I also know about how it feels to say goodbye to someone too. I’m going to miss you. We’re not going to see each other again. Maybe I am reminded of all the times I have been at the airport departure hall waving someone off. Goodbye. Have a lovely time. Maybe I’m not going to see you again. Sadness. Loss. Yearning.

How do you feel about endings in general? An ending marks the beginning of a new stage in our lives but can often bring up feelings of loss. Have you ever noticed that you can experience a loss and your feelings seem completely out of proportion? Sometimes clients say that they have been to the funeral of a colleague, someone they hardly knew, and they felt really distressed. They might say something like ‘I can’t understand why I felt so sad. It was worse than when my parents died’. Why is this? Well often a current loss brings up past losses and all the losses we haven’t fully grieved for.

What does this have to do with counselling? Quite a lot really. It is often the poor endings we experience in life that bring us to counselling in the first place. It might be the feelings we have because a partner walks out or the shock at losing a job unexpectedly. No proper ending. Counselling can be a life changing experience. It can help you to come to terms with what has happened in your life and to make some changes. Your therapeutic relationship is important and it can be hard to say goodbye to your Counsellor. Some clients avoid this entirely and don’t turn up for the final session or cancel the appointment. Why not ask yourself what you could learn from the experience of having a proper ending, acknowledging the work you’ve done, saying goodbye and moving on to new beginnings. It just might be the most therapeutic part of the work.

Do I always get it right? No I’m human too. But I know one thing. It’s those bad endings that I think about…..way out of proportion to the good endings.

What do I say during counselling?

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Counselling can feel like hard work to some clients. What am I supposed to say they ask. It might help to realise that this is a normal response. The following are some quotes from the literature which may resonate with you:

“It feels a bit like applying for the job of being oneself, but we’re not too sure what the qualifications are. And what will happen if we mess up the interview” (Sands, 2000, p.5).

“I could never see quite what we were trying to do. I’m supposed to sit and talk and I don’t know what to talk about” (Oldfield, 1983, p.61).

“You make me think for myself, and I don’t like it. I want advice (Rogers, 1951, p.68).

Sometimes clients come to the first session and tell their Counsellor ‘everything’ all at once. To get it over and done with. Some clients feel embarrassed about this and may be reluctant to come back and may feel unsure about how to proceed. Other clients prefer to say little and to use the first few sessions to get to know their Counsellor and test the waters out.

There is no right answer about what to say in counselling. It may take weeks before you decide to trust your Counsellor with some things you have never talked to anyone about before. If you feel stuck it’s fine to say this. Ask for help and say you don’t understand. Your Counsellor should be skilled in helping you to tell your story. Counsellors work in different ways and it may be that working with a different Counsellor may help.

Alone on Valentine’s Day?

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It seems that couples are everywhere

The shops are full of cards and the florists and confectioners are busy.  It’s that time of year already and couples are celebrating their love for each other.   It can feel quite lonely without a partner on Valentine’s day.  Nobody special to  be with.  It’s easy to look at others and imagine that their lives are on track because they appear to have the special partner.

For those who have lost a partner my thoughts are with you.  Anniversaries and special days can feel particularly sad.  My hope is that you are able to remember some happy memories to draw comfort from.

For those who have recently broken up with a partner I hope that you find a way to come to terms with being single again.  If it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship then this may be difficult and you may be blaming yourself.  Why not put yourself and your needs first on Valentine’s day and spoil yourself.

Finally, when you look around at other couples it is easy to make assumptions about how their lives are.  Remember we never really know about how things are for them.

Unhelpful Thinking

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What is unhelpful thinking?

Unhelpful thinking is a way of thinking which may be considered to be distorted, fixed and based on assumptions. Such thinking may lead to distressing feelings and unhelpful behaviours. Unhelpful thinking creates a vicious circle.

What are common thinking errors?

Mindreading – making assumptions about what other people are thinking.

Personalisation – believing that a situation means something about you.

Predicting – making assumptions about what is going to happen next.

Catastrophising – believing that the worst possible scenario will occur.

Overgeneralising – making general conclusions based on one experience.

Being selective – ignoring positive information.

These thinking errors are often untrue, for example ‘I know that everyone dislikes me’, and easy to believe because you do not question them.

How can counselling help?

Counselling can help you to explore your thinking errors and to gain a different perspective. You can learn to challenge your thoughts and examine whether there is any evidence to support the way you are thinking. You can also identify if you are making things worse than they really are. Counselling can help you to make changes to break the vicious circle.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.