Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Counselling Leamington Spa

Christine Bonsmann

I always mess up…

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“I feel like I never get things right.  I’ll do my best but I’m always left with the feeling that I did something wrong or that I should have kept quiet or that people don’t like me.  It’s always there.  I can go for a walk and that’s the thing that swirls around the whole time.  I can go to a social situation and see how happy other people seem to be and, again, those thoughts are there.  I can be at a meeting at work and the thoughts pop up again.  The idea that other people are better than me.  The idea that everyone else knows how to ‘win’ at life and I don’t.  I do my best to disguise this and it sometimes works but it’s not working for me.  I feel sad and anxious and that I can’t tell anyone about how I feel because they would really think I’m just a loser.”

If the above resonates with you, then I am really sorry to hear this.  It sounds very painful and lonely to live this way.  It can lead to symptoms and feelings associated with depression and anxiety and create a vicious cycle which seems impossible to break.  It would be understandable that you would not want to talk about this with other people.  Imagine that you did talk to others about these thoughts and feelings.  Imagine how you would feel to discover that others sometimes feel like this too.  Imagine that you could find ways to challenge some of your thoughts and behaviours and feel more accepting and at ease with yourself.

For those who do not want to talk to family and friends about how they feel, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be helpful to understand what is maintaining your emotional states by developing a clear understanding of the problems you are facing and increasing your self-awareness.  This enables you to consider the choices you are making and the changes you could make to live a more fulfilled life.  If this sounds like something you would like to do, please get in touch.  Learn how to enjoy your walks, social gatherings and meetings.  Learn to value yourself.

It’s all my fault

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“It’s all my fault.  I couldn’t make you happy.  Everything I tried ended up with a ‘yes but…’.  Whatever I did was never enough.  It was all up to me.  You wouldn’t even meet me halfway.  It’s as though I was a thing and my experience didn’t matter.  It was all about you and always was.  I spent so much time trying to help you, I’m the one who has now ended feeling low and anxious and not good enough.”

I hope the above does not resonate with you and you have loving relationships in your life.  I hope you have relationships with other people where you matter too and where mutuality and respect and boundaries exist.  I hope that you have a great relationship with yourself and that you like yourself and accept the human condition and don’t expect yourself to achieve perfection endlessly.

We can be so self-critical of ourselves.  Always shouldering the blame and beating ourselves up to be better and do more and try harder.  Think about how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake.  Do the phrases ‘I’m an idiot’, ‘I’m a loser’, ‘I always mess up’ or ‘I’m stupid’ seem familiar?  If so, I wonder how you see these thoughts as helping you?  How is  having a cruel voice in your mind working out for you?  Is this self-criticism consistent with developing resilience in your life?

If you are struggling with self-criticism or perfectionism and want to make some changes but can’t break out of the cycle you are stuck in, please get in touch.

 

Feeling lost

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It is so easy to feel lost at times in life.  You might feel like everyone else seems to know what they are doing.  Other people may seem to be busy with interesting jobs or hobbies or travels or family and friends or all of these things.  And you might feel as though you are making it all up as you go along.  You might be wearing a mask and pretending everything is fine while wondering if you are messing up one thing after another at times.  You might tell yourself that you can’t speak to anyone about how you feel because you don’t want to worry anyone.  You might be the one who makes sure everyone else is ok and you might think that you don’t want to be a burden or to come across as self-absorbed.

It can feel very lonely when you are being self-critical or when you are comparing yourself to others in a negative way.  It can lead to sleepless nights, anxiety and low mood and depression.  It can lead to finding unhelpful coping strategies and you might even notice that you are eating more or drinking more.  You might have stopped doing the very things that might help you to feel better and have started to withdraw from others and/or your hobbies.

We can all feel lost at times.  Hopefully, it will pass soon.  If it doesn’t, it may be useful to reach out for some help to try and work out what you would like your life to look like and how you could make some changes to move towards this.  CBT and counselling can help you to do this.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

What if something wonderful happens?

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If you suffer from anxiety, it can be hard to believe that some people rarely worry.  When faced with an uncertain or new situation, the automatic thoughts for people who don’t worry are along the lines of ‘what if something wonderful happens’ or ‘I can’t wait to see what happens’.  People who don’t worry are often excited about novelty.

Do you find yourself thinking that you wish you thought like that and that every ‘what if’ you have seems to be about something terrible happening.  Worry creates anxiety and is very exhausting.  It can ruin our days, our ability to be fully present and then it can ruin our sleep and keep us wake at night.

I have worked with many clients who worry and find their days full of dread.  It is so rewarding to help clients to realise that life does not have to be like this and to discover that there are other ways of showing up in the world.  Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) has a significant evidence base for anxiety presentations.  If you think that it’s time to find a way to stop excessive worrying, please get in touch.

Image: Photo by Teodor Drobota on Unsplash

Being real

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It’s coming up to that time of year again.  Everyone is getting excited about Christmas.  People are out and about, full of festive cheer, buying presents, attending office parties and catching up with friends.  You may have received some cards already and, possibly, some round ups of how great other people’s year has been.  Or so it seems.

We can be so talented at creating illusions.  The idea that all is well when it isn’t.  It sometimes feels like being real is not valued.  So, we sometimes slip on a mask and internalise all the niggles and worries and problems that keep us awake at night.  We start to feel lonely and misunderstood.  We can feel like running away from it all but we can’t do that either.  So we look for ways to cope.  Another drink, another mince pie, another new toy, working even more hours.  Anything to escape from our feelings.  And then the coping strategy becomes the problem.  And on and on.  People criticise us and call us weak because it’s easier than seeing our pain.

Imagine if there was another way.  Imagine being able to say ‘ I am finding things difficult and I need some support’.  Imagine being able to say ‘no’ as a full sentence.  Imagine being understood.  Imagine not having to focus on how stressed you are feeling all the time so that you could enjoy spending time with the people you care about over the festive period.  If you can’t find a way to achieve this, then talking to someone might be helpful to find a way forward.  Your therapy space is waiting, if you need it.

Good enough is not good enough

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Imagine how your life would be if you felt comfortable with things being good enough?  Would you feel like a failure?  Or would you feel as though you had achieved an enviable goal?  Your response indicates how you dance with life and how you evaluate yourself.

For a perfectionist or someone who suffers from anxiety, the idea of being good enough might feel awful and a second-rate position to aspire to.  It might imply that you have not really tried hard enough to achieve excellence and that you are one of those people who is a bit on the lazy side and lacks ambition.  For someone who is comfortable with being good enough, the idea of being perfect is an unattainable goal and they may realise that there are many things they wish to focus on in their life apart from work or study or looking perfect.   Or it may be that things are far from good enough because you are procrastinating and feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to start changing things.

There is no right answer here and some people are happy with seeking perfection.  For others, this can be an anxiety-provoking and isolating pursuit which can be exacerbated by others failing to understand just how important it feels to get everything right or give 100% all the time.  In fact, the more others fail to understand the needs of the perfectionist, the more anxious and isolated the person can become.  This can lead to arguments and the breakdown of relationships with friends, partners, family and colleagues.  The same can be said of poor performance.

If you are struggling with perfectionism or with procrastination and  a lack of performance, it can be hard to understand how to change things.  You might be stuck and powerless and feel that no one is going to understand.  You might be falling behind at work or with your studies.  It might be useful to seek some help to explore what is going on and possible changes you could make to live live in a more fulfilling way.  Therapy can help you to do this, and to figure out how you would like the rest of your life to be.