Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

News

What do I say in counselling?

by Leave a Comment

So you picked up the phone and made the appointment to have some counselling.  You have taken the first steps to making some changes in your life.  And now you’re sitting in front of the Counsellor and you are wondering what to say.

Does this sound familiar?  Maybe not.  Some clients are quickly comfortable in counselling and know exactly how they want to use the time and what they want to get out of it.  That’s great.

Others, however, are unsure about how counselling might work and wonder how the person sitting opposite them is going to be able to help.  I remember feeling like this and I didn’t like it one bit.  I felt uncomfortable and exposed and wanted to run for it as far away as possible.  Some clients ask me if how they ‘are’ in counselling is normal.  That assumes there is a ‘normal’.  It’s really hard to write about what to say in counselling because that assumes there is a right answer.  And the truth is there isn’t.  Your counselling experience is going to depend on you.  If you are someone who finds it hard to trust others then it may take some time before you trust your Counsellor.  You might even test your Counsellor by telling them some things to see if they are shocked, before moving on to talking about the things that are buried away.  The things that keep hurting you.

Based on my experiences (in both chairs) I would say that if you don’t know what to say then tell your Counsellor.  Ask for help.  That’s why you’re there.  If it’s not forthcoming then maybe you’re sitting in front of the wrong person.

Do you need to ‘fix’ people?

by Leave a Comment

Sometimes it can be really hard to stand by and watch people you care about make mistakes.  The urge to jump in and tell them what to do can be overwhelming.  The need to ‘fix’ someone may come from genuine concern.  On the other hand it can be perceived as controlling and interfering.  If you find yourself in situations where you feel frustrated because other people won’t listen to your advice maybe you could ask yourself whose needs you are trying to meet.  Do you see yourself as caring and it is important that others allow you to ‘care’?  It might be helpful to reflect on times in your life when you have learnt the most.  Did this involve someone telling you what to do?  Or did it involve you learning through trial and error?  How do you feel when others advise you what to do?  Do you find yourself avoiding them when you don’t take their advice?  Do you wish you hadn’t bothered telling them about your problems?

Now imagine that you stopped trying to ‘fix’ other people and respected them enough to allow them to reach their own decisions.  That would mean letting go of having a right answer.  Think about how respected you would feel if someone did that for you.  Allowed you to process your thoughts and feelings without putting any pressure on you to do what they wanted.  Counselling allows people to do precisely that.  And counselling also helps people who find they need to ‘fix’ others too.

Is the past being played out in the present?

by Leave a Comment

Do you find yourself stuck in your life and not know how to find a way forward?  Does it seem like your relationships go wrong….and they always do?  Do you keep ruminating over things that happened to you in the past and keep going over and over details?  Do you wish that your life was different but feel that whatever you try makes no difference?

We all have times when we feel that life is hard and that we have messed up.  You might find it hard to understand why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  You might beat yourself up for getting something wrong and find it really hard to say sorry.  You might make assumptions about other people and think that they have got life figured out.  That can make you feel more miserable.  Like you’re alone.   You might isolate yourself from others.  Or you might adopt some coping strategies to comfort yourself.  Like eating too much.  Or drinking too much.  Or taking drugs.

Sometimes the reason people find it hard to cope or enjoy life is that the past is being played out in the present.  Counselling can help you to understand whether this is happening.  Some people don’t want to trawl through their past and this is understandable.  It can be painful.  However, recognising how the past is still ‘alive’ can help you to make some changes in your life.  Better choices leading to a more fulfilled life.

Wanting someone to be different

by Leave a Comment

What do you do if you want someone to be different and you want them to change?  How do you do this?  This is a common question that clients bring to counselling.  And I don’t know the answer. We simply can’t change other people.  It’s no good having a relationship with someone based on the idea that you can change them.  It never works and often ends in disappointment and resentment.  We can only change ourselves and how we deal with something or someone.  And when we realise this we may notice that other people start to change how they are with us.

Imagine that you have a friend who always puts you down in front of other people and makes fun of you.  You might allow this to continue because you like this person (and maybe some counselling could help you to figure that one out) or because you feel that you have to put up with it because you need to please others and you don’t want other people to think badly of you (again some counselling could help to understand this too).  Now imagine that the next time this ‘friend’ put you down that you said in a firm and neutral way ‘I don’t like being made fun of.’  What do you think would happen?   We can’t know for sure but it’s likely that your ‘friend’ would be surprised and really hear that they had gone too far.  They would recognise that they had hurt your feelings.  It’s possible that other people would think ‘good for you to stick up for yourself….I wish I was able to do that.’  A small change can have a big impact.  Imagine now what your life would be like if you were able to be assertive in a respectful way.  Maybe there would be no more angry outbursts or stored up resentments.  Maybe you’d stop putting up with people who didn’t deserve to be in your life.

That old devil – making assumptions

by Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt that the world is well and truly against you?  That no matter what you do you seem to mess up or get things wrong or that you ruin your relationships.  Do you beat yourself up about all the times you weren’t perfect?  It’s so easy to disregard all the great stuff you do in life if you  suffer from underlying low confidence or low self-esteem.  Guess what.  Most of us have days when we feel like this.  I know I do.  And I know lots of other people who feel like this sometimes too.  The problem is if you feel like this all the time.  It’s really important to get a perspective and talking things over can help you to decide on the things that you would like to change in your life.  The things which stop you feeling like the world is against you.

In my work as a Counsellor I never fail to be surprised at the extent to which people make assumptions.  It is probably one of the most unhelpful and toxic things we can do to ourselves.  Imagine if you stopped making assumptions.  You could let go of continually worrying what others thought of you.  You could learn to trust your own judgment.  You could stop beating yourself up about the things which didn’t go well.  And you could stop thinking that everyone else has got life figured out and knows all the answers.  The only thing I can know is what I think and feel.  If I want to know about anyone else then I’d have to ask them.  Try it.  You might be surprised.

The importance of compassion

by Leave a Comment

On my way home last night the traffic was slow and I noticed a young woman near my car shouting angrily at a man on the other side of the road.  She looked so angry and upset and she had tears running down her face.  I couldn’t understand all her words but her language was colourful.  I glanced across the road.  The young man she was addressing had his head down and looked embarrassed.  There was something about the whole incident which touched me deep inside.  A real sense that two people were hurting.  One didn’t care who knew and the other cared very much.

I wondered about the other people witnessing this.  I suspect that some people felt the same as I did and maybe others felt a bit embarrassed themselves.  Perhaps others were judgmental and thought that the woman was behaving inappropriately in public.  The thing is we just don’t know what is going on for other people.  All I knew from this situation was that someone was hurting and a kind word makes all the difference.  Being compassionate to people we know and love is easy.  It’s being like that to those we don’t know that’s the hard bit in life.