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Lost your motivation?

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We all go through phases when we lack motivation and just can’t seem to get started on the things we want or need to do.  That’s normal.  Maybe you’re feeling tired or a bit overwhelmed by the big list of jobs to do.  Maybe you don’t want to ask for help.  Asking for help is something that many people find hard and consider to be a sign of weakness.  It’s actually a sign of strength.  To be able to recognise that you need other people is a positive thing.  If your motivation seems to have disappeared maybe you could take a small step and just do one thing right now that you have been putting off.  If you are a high achiever then losing your motivation can seem particularly harsh.  Now is the time to be kind to you.  Take good care of yourself and accept that this will pass.

If, however, your loss of motivation does not pass after a few weeks and you are experiencing other symptoms like feeling tired, feeling down or not eating or sleeping well, then it could be helpful to talk things through with someone and maybe try some counselling to try and find out if they are any underlying issues which may be contributing to your current difficulties.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying?   Does it touch you in some deep place?  Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’?  Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’?  And does it matter where it happens?  For example is crying at work completely unacceptable?   What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there?  Besides what is the crying about anyway?  Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself?  Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness.  A sign of not coping.  They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful.  Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient.  It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning.  How sad.  I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable.  Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad.  An indication that we may be suffering.  At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings.  And to accept how things are for us right now.

It’s not just about the footballer and super injunctions

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I was in the supermarket yesterday at the checkout and the lady dealing with me was chatting to her colleague and another customer about  the identity of the mystery footballer in the news (please don’t get me started in the fact that she considered that to be more important than making sure she rang up my shopping correctly).  To be fair she tried to involve me in the conversation but I did not contribute and kept my head down.  Later on, the television news was full of this story.  Everyone has an opinion it seems.

Why is it that we are so judgmental?  How would you feel if everyone was talking about you?  We don’t know what happened or how much of this story is true.  The only thing we can be pretty sure of really is how devastated his wife must be.  How alone she must feel.  And what about his children?  What kind of day are they having at school?  And while next week or next year this will be old news, it will never be old news for this family.  Maybe the next time you are tempted to join in with gossip you could think about the impact on others.  Every contact leaves a trace.  And what you say says so much about who you are.

Is everyone else better than you?

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Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone else is better than you? Do you ever think that what other people have to say matters more than what you have to say? Have you ever felt that you should stay in the background and let others take the limelight? I often work with people who feel like this. Why is this? In psychology the nature versus nature debate is well established. Some people argue that how we turn out is down to genes. It’s all there in our DNA. Others disagree and say that how we turn out is all down to how we are reared, the experiences that we have in childhood.

I, and many others, think that how we turn out is influenced by both our genes and our upbringing. We learn so much in childhood. If our parents row continuously then we may never learn how to establish a loving relationship. If the people around us are worriers then we may learn to worry too.

Now imagine that you felt that you were as good as other people. That your voice mattered just as much. That people would be pleased to meet you and find out about you. That you were entitled to a life. Is that hard? Well where is it written down that you can’t be all these things. Thought so. It’s probably you that is telling yourself this stuff.

The great thing is that you can change. Become the person you would like to be. Counselling can help with this. What are you waiting for?

The yo-yo relationship

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So many clients come to see me because they are in a yo-yo relationship.  One minute it’s good and the next minute it’s bad.  Relationships like this can make you feel confused and cause misery and it can be really hard to figure out whether to try and make the relationship work or to cut your losses and end it once and for all.  The first thing to consider is what you get from the relationship.  What do you like about being with this person.  If you can’t think of anything then it may be time to wonder why you are putting yourself through this misery.  If you can come up with some benefits it can help to consider what is wrong with the relationship and what you would like to be different.  So if you had a magic wand what would that relationship be like?

Sometimes it can be helpful to try couples counselling to improve a relationship.  Couple counselling is not about being given advice and told what to do.  It’s an opportunity to understand each other.  If you both want to work on your relationship then it can help if you really try to listen to each other without making assumptions or interrupting.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Try not to use blaming phrases such as “you always……….” And learn how to ‘own’ your feelings.  You might be very surprised at the results.

What can we learn from The Apprentice

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When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time.  I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that.  I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life.  For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity.  I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever.  For me it’s simply not negotiable.  And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them.  Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values.  It’s still possible to be kind.  Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house?  Now that would be very interesting!