Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

Relationships

The yo-yo relationship

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So many clients come to see me because they are in a yo-yo relationship.  One minute it’s good and the next minute it’s bad.  Relationships like this can make you feel confused and cause misery and it can be really hard to figure out whether to try and make the relationship work or to cut your losses and end it once and for all.  The first thing to consider is what you get from the relationship.  What do you like about being with this person.  If you can’t think of anything then it may be time to wonder why you are putting yourself through this misery.  If you can come up with some benefits it can help to consider what is wrong with the relationship and what you would like to be different.  So if you had a magic wand what would that relationship be like?

Sometimes it can be helpful to try couples counselling to improve a relationship.  Couple counselling is not about being given advice and told what to do.  It’s an opportunity to understand each other.  If you both want to work on your relationship then it can help if you really try to listen to each other without making assumptions or interrupting.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Try not to use blaming phrases such as “you always……….” And learn how to ‘own’ your feelings.  You might be very surprised at the results.

What can we learn from The Apprentice

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When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time.  I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that.  I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life.  For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity.  I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever.  For me it’s simply not negotiable.  And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them.  Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values.  It’s still possible to be kind.  Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house?  Now that would be very interesting!

Feeling Shy

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

Shyness, low confidence, low self-esteem

When we are growing up and finding out who we are and our place in the world we can find ourselves being labelled by others.  People might tell us we are shy or tell us to speak up.  We can be left with the feeling that we are inadequate.  We might watch how others and see how confident they are and wish we were like them.

Clients often ask me if they have been born shy. I can’t answer this.  Some of how we turn out is down to our genes and some of it is down to what we have learnt , usually growing up.  The millions of messages we receive during our childhood from the people around us leave an imprint on us.  There are many interesting books about introverts and extroverts and if this is an area of interest then Dorothy Rowe writes in an accessible way.

While some people don’t mind about being shy, for others feeling shy or lacking in confidence is no fun.  We can have a sense that our life is passing us by and that we are holding ourselves back in some way.  The good news is that we are continually finding out who we are.  It is possible to make changes to live in a more fulfilling way.  The present does not have to be like the past.

So how is change possible?  It might involve taking a risk and experimenting with new behaviour, for example contributing to a conversation or inviting some friends over.  It might involve a change in thinking, for example to let go of believing that you have nothing decent to say or that you are boring.  It might involve a change in the way you feel, deciding that you as good as everyone else.  There are lots of self-help books out there to help with feeling shy.  Counselling can also help to work with problems associated with shyness and low confidence.  The problem is that this involves making the first step and contacting a Counsellor, not easy for someone feeling shy.  Don’t worry, your Counsellor will understand this and if you feel they don’t, then please find someone who does.

Mindreading and counselling

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I know there are certain people who make a living out of mindreading.  I am not one of them.  My job as a Counsellor is to try and understand you so that you can understand yourself.  While others may have had experiences similar to yours, no one will make the same meanings out of those experiences as you will.  The meanings we make from something are so personal and are informed by the things which have happened to us in our lives and this explains why the same event can be experienced so differently by 2 people.

Often clients will say things like ‘you must be thinking…….’ or ‘I know that you think……’.  In other words they become mindreaders.  I will then ask how they know what I am thinking before asking how they could find out what I am thinking.  Of course the only way to know is to ask!

In my experience, mindreading is a very unhelpful thing to do.  It makes assumptions about other people and can keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns of behaviour.  Not only that, it can make us feel inadequate, unaccepted and isolated.  It can take quite an effort to give up this way of thinking and requires us to challenge the way we view others and the world.  Imagine what your life would be like if you trusted yourself and didn’t think that others thought you were silly or irritating or troublesome.  It could change your life.

Endings in Counselling

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Endings and Loss

There’s an advertisement on TV (not sure for what!) and the scene is in an airport arrivals hall. It’s about people reconnecting (might be for a mobile phone company) and people embracing. It’s about love and starting again. Saying hello. There is something about that scene which never fails to touch me on some deep level inside. Maybe it’s because I recognise the feelings portrayed by these actors. I know how it feels to say hello and to acknowledge how much I have missed someone I care about.

On the other hand, maybe it’s because I also know about how it feels to say goodbye to someone too. I’m going to miss you. We’re not going to see each other again. Maybe I am reminded of all the times I have been at the airport departure hall waving someone off. Goodbye. Have a lovely time. Maybe I’m not going to see you again. Sadness. Loss. Yearning.

How do you feel about endings in general? An ending marks the beginning of a new stage in our lives but can often bring up feelings of loss. Have you ever noticed that you can experience a loss and your feelings seem completely out of proportion? Sometimes clients say that they have been to the funeral of a colleague, someone they hardly knew, and they felt really distressed. They might say something like ‘I can’t understand why I felt so sad. It was worse than when my parents died’. Why is this? Well often a current loss brings up past losses and all the losses we haven’t fully grieved for.

What does this have to do with counselling? Quite a lot really. It is often the poor endings we experience in life that bring us to counselling in the first place. It might be the feelings we have because a partner walks out or the shock at losing a job unexpectedly. No proper ending. Counselling can be a life changing experience. It can help you to come to terms with what has happened in your life and to make some changes. Your therapeutic relationship is important and it can be hard to say goodbye to your Counsellor. Some clients avoid this entirely and don’t turn up for the final session or cancel the appointment. Why not ask yourself what you could learn from the experience of having a proper ending, acknowledging the work you’ve done, saying goodbye and moving on to new beginnings. It just might be the most therapeutic part of the work.

Do I always get it right? No I’m human too. But I know one thing. It’s those bad endings that I think about…..way out of proportion to the good endings.

Alone on Valentine’s Day?

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It seems that couples are everywhere

The shops are full of cards and the florists and confectioners are busy.  It’s that time of year already and couples are celebrating their love for each other.   It can feel quite lonely without a partner on Valentine’s day.  Nobody special to  be with.  It’s easy to look at others and imagine that their lives are on track because they appear to have the special partner.

For those who have lost a partner my thoughts are with you.  Anniversaries and special days can feel particularly sad.  My hope is that you are able to remember some happy memories to draw comfort from.

For those who have recently broken up with a partner I hope that you find a way to come to terms with being single again.  If it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship then this may be difficult and you may be blaming yourself.  Why not put yourself and your needs first on Valentine’s day and spoil yourself.

Finally, when you look around at other couples it is easy to make assumptions about how their lives are.  Remember we never really know about how things are for them.