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Counselling and CBT for individuals and couples in Leamington Spa

Counselling Stoke-on-Trent

Relationships

The importance of compassion

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On my way home last night the traffic was slow and I noticed a young woman near my car shouting angrily at a man on the other side of the road. She looked so angry and upset and she had tears running down her face. I couldn’t understand all her words but her language was colourful. I glanced across the road. The young man she was addressing had his head down and looked embarrassed. There was something about the whole incident which touched me deep inside. A real sense that two people were hurting. One didn’t care who knew and the other cared very much.

I wondered about the other people witnessing this. I suspect that some people felt the same as I did and maybe others felt a bit embarrassed themselves. Perhaps others were judgmental and thought that the woman was behaving inappropriately in public. The thing is we just don’t know what is going on for other people. All I knew from this situation was that someone was hurting and a kind word makes all the difference. Being compassionate to people we know and love is easy. It’s being like that to those we don’t know that’s the hard bit in life.

It’s not just about the footballer and super injunctions

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I was in the supermarket yesterday at the checkout and the lady dealing with me was chatting to her colleague and another customer about the identity of the mystery footballer in the news (please don’t get me started in the fact that she considered that to be more important than making sure she rang up my shopping correctly). To be fair she tried to involve me in the conversation but I did not contribute and kept my head down. Later on, the television news was full of this story. Everyone has an opinion it seems.

Why is it that we are so judgmental? How would you feel if everyone was talking about you? We don’t know what happened or how much of this story is true. The only thing we can be pretty sure of really is how devastated his wife must be. How alone she must feel. And what about his children? What kind of day are they having at school? And while next week or next year this will be old news, it will never be old news for this family. Maybe the next time you are tempted to join in with gossip you could think about the impact on others. Every contact leaves a trace. And what you say says so much about who you are.

Is everyone else better than you?

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Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone else is better than you? Do you ever think that what other people have to say matters more than what you have to say? Have you ever felt that you should stay in the background and let others take the limelight? I often work with people who feel like this. Why is this? In psychology the nature versus nature debate is well established. Some people argue that how we turn out is down to genes. It’s all there in our DNA. Others disagree and say that how we turn out is all down to how we are reared, the experiences that we have in childhood.

I, and many others, think that how we turn out is influenced by both our genes and our upbringing. We learn so much in childhood. If our parents row continuously then we may never learn how to establish a loving relationship. If the people around us are worriers then we may learn to worry too.

Now imagine that you felt that you were as good as other people. That your voice mattered just as much. That people would be pleased to meet you and find out about you. That you were entitled to a life. Is that hard? Well where is it written down that you can’t be all these things. Thought so. It’s probably you that is telling yourself this stuff.

The great thing is that you can change. Become the person you would like to be. Counselling can help with this. What are you waiting for?

The yo-yo relationship

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So many clients come to see me because they are in a yo-yo relationship. One minute it’s good and the next minute it’s bad. Relationships like this can make you feel confused and cause misery and it can be really hard to figure out whether to try and make the relationship work or to cut your losses and end it once and for all. The first thing to consider is what you get from the relationship. What do you like about being with this person. If you can’t think of anything then it may be time to wonder why you are putting yourself through this misery. If you can come up with some benefits it can help to consider what is wrong with the relationship and what you would like to be different. So if you had a magic wand what would that relationship be like?

Sometimes it can be helpful to try couples counselling to improve a relationship. Couple counselling is not about being given advice and told what to do. It’s an opportunity to understand each other. If you both want to work on your relationship then it can help if you really try to listen to each other without making assumptions or interrupting. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try not to use blaming phrases such as “you always……….” And learn how to ‘own’ your feelings. You might be very surprised at the results.

What can we learn from The Apprentice

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When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time. I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that. I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life. For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity. I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever. For me it’s simply not negotiable. And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them. Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values. It’s still possible to be kind. Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house? Now that would be very interesting!

The Importance of Friendship

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There are many articles written about the importance of friendship so I would just like to focus on how friendship can help us if we are feeling down or anxious. Feeling lonely or socially isolated can create stress and exaggerate any problems we may be facing. Some people claim to have 100s of friends and I often wonder about the quality of these relationships. Friendship is hard work. To be there for someone, to share experiences and to keep in touch takes time and energy, and these things are in short supply when we are feeling down.

When we feel low we tend to focus on ourselves and our thoughts and feelings. It can feel like there is no space for anyone else. Our friends can sustain and nurture us at times like this. It can be so validating to spend time with someone who cares for us and listens to us and helps us to feel good about ourselves. A true friend will accept how we are and allow us to voice our fears without laughing at us. Often there is a moment in a relationship when we realise that someone is a genuine friend. Maybe they stick up for us when everyone else stays quiet or maybe they just seem to know how we are feeling. If you have someone like this in your life it’s great. If you don’t then maybe counselling could help you to explore ways of developing a support network.