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1st January, 2011 – The first day of the rest of your life

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1st January, 2011 – The first day of the rest of your life

I would warmly like to wish you a very happy new year and I hope that you are able to find some joy and peace this year. I also know that this may not be possible for everyone, for those that feel depressed, disappointed or anxious or have suffered losses or are facing some kind of mid-life crisis. I am particularly thinking of those people today.

It is great to feel optimistic about the new year. A clean page waiting for us to write our story on it. New beginnings, fresh starts, opportunities, new goals and dreams, new relationships, a brand new diary to fill with private thoughts, feelings, reflections and desires. It reminds me of starting school with my new exercise books and being determined to keep them neat and tidy, free from doodles and spills. It seems so easy at the start of something new to see what we would like, so much harder to follow it through sometimes.

The start of a new year always involves some feelings of loss and this is normal. It may be that we are starting to feel our age or feeling disappointed with the way our life is turning out or regretting some of our behaviour or decisions. If you are feeling like this I hope that you are able to offer some compassion to yourself and stop beating yourself up. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. A chance to start creating a new story for yourself. What is standing in your way?

Copyright 2011 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.

What is Self-Esteem?

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Glimpses of Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes I feel quite exhausted. Trying to please other people is relentless. Actually I don’t mind too much because at least it means I’m not alone. I feel hurt when people tell me to ‘get a life’. It really plays on my mind and I keep going over what they’ve said. I have got a life. It’s dedicated to helping others. I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself in any way or giving my opinion about something. That’s not who I am.

Many people come to counselling and say things like ‘I have problems with my self-esteem’ or ‘I have always had low self-esteem’ and this is usually because other people have made comments about their behaviour. Low self-esteem is sometimes used to describe someone who does not seem to like or value themselves and who believes that they are in some way inferior to others.

Low self-esteem can be associated with a lack of assertiveness and can make people vulnerable to being exploited. Low self-esteem can pervade every aspect of someone’s life and result in feelings of sadness, shame, disappointment or frustration.

Self-esteem is linked to our ‘conditions of worth’ and these refer to messages that are received by an individual, often in childhood, which imply that a person has particular attributes or qualities and must behave in a certain way in order to be accepted. Such conditions may be positive or negative.

Often a person with low self-esteem will use phrases starting with ‘I should…….…..’ or ‘I ought to…………….’

People suffering from low self-esteem may be susceptible to depression. Having a negative opinion about ourselves can have a significant impact on how we live our lives and how we relate to other people. It can prevent us from achieving our potential and make us feel isolated, unhappy and ‘not good enough’. It means that we constantly evaluate ourselves in a negative way.

Thoughts associated with low self-esteem

I’m worthless
I can’t cope
I don’t fit in
I am inferior
I’m not good enough

Behaviour associated with low self-esteem

Avoiding situations
Reduced performance
Rumination
Negative thinking

Signs of low self-esteem

Feeling down
Poor self care
People pleasing
Ruminating over events
Negative self talk
Avoiding potentially pleasurable activities
Underestimating strengths
Exaggerating weaknesses
Comfort eating
Use of alcohol or drugs

What causes low self-esteem?

Our experiences while growing up have a profound effect on how we view the world and our place in it. Other factors which may be influential include:

Family of origin
Treatment at school
Relationships
Bullying
Abuse
Divorce
Bereavement
Redundancy

How can counselling help with low self-esteem?

Counselling may help you to understand that the negative views you have of yourself are actually an opinion and not facts and can therefore be challenged. Having the opportunity to talk about how you feel in a supportive environment where you are not judged can be therapeutic in itself. Counselling can help you to learn more about yourself and to recognise your strengths and resources. You can consider what you would like your life to be like and discover what changes you would like to make.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.

Happy Christmas………..or is it?

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This time of year can be stressful and full of expectations.  This is especially true in the current economic climate.  For those who have lost their jobs or are finding it hard to make ends meet it can be challenging to feel happy. 

For some people, especially those who have recently lost someone they love and care about, this can be a very sad time of year.  Full of memories.  

What about all the lonely people?  The people who have no family.  We can get so wrapped up in our own lives that we might not even notice.

Then there are the people who do have a family.  And that is the problem.  Maybe you are unhappily married or feel that you are getting things wrong with your children.  Maybe you have problems with parents or siblings.  Do you feel like a child again when you return to your parent’s home? 

I would like to wish you a very happy Christmas and I hope that you find some joy and peace in 2011.  I know that Christmas can be a lonely time for many people.  Even for those surrounded by people.  Sometimes we can think that everyone else is having a great time and we are different.  If you would like to make some changes in your life or talk through anything which is troubling you, then please get in touch.

Feeling angry

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Staffordshire

What is anger?

Anger is a normal emotion we experience when we feel that ‘someone has broken our rules’ about what is fair and just.  Anger can range from ‘irritation’ to ‘fury’.  Sometimes the way that we express our anger leads to difficulties and can impact on our relationships with others.

‘Anyone can become angry—that is easy.  But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy’ – Aristotle.

Some people are taught in childhood that anger is unacceptable.  If anger is not expressed then anxiety, depression and physical symptoms may result.  Sometimes people project their anger onto others and suggest, for example, that their partner seeks help for their anger problems.  Counselling can help to understand exactly what is happening.

Sometimes our anger is caused by or is exaggerated by things which are causing us stress in our lives.  Problems arise when anger occurs frequently and is intense and enduring.  This can have a negative impact on our relationships both at home and work.  People often judge us when we are angry and may respond to us in an angry way.  We can get a bad reputation.  People may start to avoid us or deliberately wind us up to see how we respond.

Feeling angry can be a good thing if it creates energy to make changes, for example to improve communities and the lives of other people and to help to stamp out injustice.  However, anger often has negative consequences and hurts others as well as ourselves.

Do you recognise any of the following statements:

‘I feel angry all the time.  I am always shouting at others.’

‘I bottle all my anger and resentments up and then I explode like a bottle of pop.’

‘I know I’m doing it and it’s as though I can’t help myself.’

‘I wish I was a nicer person and more relaxed.’

‘I need to be in control all the time and get angry if things don’t go my way.’

‘I feel angry with everyone and everything.’

‘I feel ashamed of my behaviour.  Sometimes my reactions are completely unnecessary.’

How can counselling help?

Exploring the circumstances may help to identify the triggers to anger and to discover the meanings attached to situations.  Two people may react to the same conflict situation in different ways.  One person may shrug their shoulders and walk off and the other person may become angry and start behaving aggressively.  Counselling may be helpful to explore the reasons for this and to challenge any unhelpful thinking.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.

What is Depression and What Can I Do About It?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

Depression

‘Some days are worse than others. I don’t even want to get out of bed and face the world. I want to pull the duvet over me and want everyone to leave me alone. I feel sad and find myself bursting into tears for no reason. My body hurts. I feel alone. Just me and this thing they call depression. It’s been around for a long time. In fact I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t there. I just want someone to understand how I feel and to be kind. That would really help for a start.’ [Read more…] about What is Depression and What Can I Do About It?

Loss and Bereavement – Could Counselling Help?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

‘Everywhere I look I am reminded of what I have lost. I see children looking at their parents with expectant faces, waiting for approval. I see lovers in passionate embrace. I see athletes, powerful and strong. I see friends laughing together, comforting each other, sharing. I see the disappointment, hurt and disbelief in the faces of those who have been betrayed. I see sadness and I feel it too. I see my reflection. Full of regrets. I wonder what happened. I didn’t notice. My life has passed me by.’ [Read more…] about Loss and Bereavement – Could Counselling Help?