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Endings in Counselling

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Endings and Loss

There’s an advertisement on TV (not sure for what!) and the scene is in an airport arrivals hall. It’s about people reconnecting (might be for a mobile phone company) and people embracing. It’s about love and starting again. Saying hello. There is something about that scene which never fails to touch me on some deep level inside. Maybe it’s because I recognise the feelings portrayed by these actors. I know how it feels to say hello and to acknowledge how much I have missed someone I care about.

On the other hand, maybe it’s because I also know about how it feels to say goodbye to someone too. I’m going to miss you. We’re not going to see each other again. Maybe I am reminded of all the times I have been at the airport departure hall waving someone off. Goodbye. Have a lovely time. Maybe I’m not going to see you again. Sadness. Loss. Yearning.

How do you feel about endings in general? An ending marks the beginning of a new stage in our lives but can often bring up feelings of loss. Have you ever noticed that you can experience a loss and your feelings seem completely out of proportion? Sometimes clients say that they have been to the funeral of a colleague, someone they hardly knew, and they felt really distressed. They might say something like ‘I can’t understand why I felt so sad. It was worse than when my parents died’. Why is this? Well often a current loss brings up past losses and all the losses we haven’t fully grieved for.

What does this have to do with counselling? Quite a lot really. It is often the poor endings we experience in life that bring us to counselling in the first place. It might be the feelings we have because a partner walks out or the shock at losing a job unexpectedly. No proper ending. Counselling can be a life changing experience. It can help you to come to terms with what has happened in your life and to make some changes. Your therapeutic relationship is important and it can be hard to say goodbye to your Counsellor. Some clients avoid this entirely and don’t turn up for the final session or cancel the appointment. Why not ask yourself what you could learn from the experience of having a proper ending, acknowledging the work you’ve done, saying goodbye and moving on to new beginnings. It just might be the most therapeutic part of the work.

Do I always get it right? No I’m human too. But I know one thing. It’s those bad endings that I think about…..way out of proportion to the good endings.

What do I say during counselling?

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Counselling can feel like hard work to some clients. What am I supposed to say they ask. It might help to realise that this is a normal response. The following are some quotes from the literature which may resonate with you:

“It feels a bit like applying for the job of being oneself, but we’re not too sure what the qualifications are. And what will happen if we mess up the interview” (Sands, 2000, p.5).

“I could never see quite what we were trying to do. I’m supposed to sit and talk and I don’t know what to talk about” (Oldfield, 1983, p.61).

“You make me think for myself, and I don’t like it. I want advice (Rogers, 1951, p.68).

Sometimes clients come to the first session and tell their Counsellor ‘everything’ all at once. To get it over and done with. Some clients feel embarrassed about this and may be reluctant to come back and may feel unsure about how to proceed. Other clients prefer to say little and to use the first few sessions to get to know their Counsellor and test the waters out.

There is no right answer about what to say in counselling. It may take weeks before you decide to trust your Counsellor with some things you have never talked to anyone about before. If you feel stuck it’s fine to say this. Ask for help and say you don’t understand. Your Counsellor should be skilled in helping you to tell your story. Counsellors work in different ways and it may be that working with a different Counsellor may help.

Unhelpful Thinking

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What is unhelpful thinking?

Unhelpful thinking is a way of thinking which may be considered to be distorted, fixed and based on assumptions. Such thinking may lead to distressing feelings and unhelpful behaviours. Unhelpful thinking creates a vicious circle.

What are common thinking errors?

Mindreading – making assumptions about what other people are thinking.

Personalisation – believing that a situation means something about you.

Predicting – making assumptions about what is going to happen next.

Catastrophising – believing that the worst possible scenario will occur.

Overgeneralising – making general conclusions based on one experience.

Being selective – ignoring positive information.

These thinking errors are often untrue, for example ‘I know that everyone dislikes me’, and easy to believe because you do not question them.

How can counselling help?

Counselling can help you to explore your thinking errors and to gain a different perspective. You can learn to challenge your thoughts and examine whether there is any evidence to support the way you are thinking. You can also identify if you are making things worse than they really are. Counselling can help you to make changes to break the vicious circle.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.

1st January, 2011 – The first day of the rest of your life

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1st January, 2011 – The first day of the rest of your life

I would warmly like to wish you a very happy new year and I hope that you are able to find some joy and peace this year. I also know that this may not be possible for everyone, for those that feel depressed, disappointed or anxious or have suffered losses or are facing some kind of mid-life crisis. I am particularly thinking of those people today.

It is great to feel optimistic about the new year. A clean page waiting for us to write our story on it. New beginnings, fresh starts, opportunities, new goals and dreams, new relationships, a brand new diary to fill with private thoughts, feelings, reflections and desires. It reminds me of starting school with my new exercise books and being determined to keep them neat and tidy, free from doodles and spills. It seems so easy at the start of something new to see what we would like, so much harder to follow it through sometimes.

The start of a new year always involves some feelings of loss and this is normal. It may be that we are starting to feel our age or feeling disappointed with the way our life is turning out or regretting some of our behaviour or decisions. If you are feeling like this I hope that you are able to offer some compassion to yourself and stop beating yourself up. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. A chance to start creating a new story for yourself. What is standing in your way?

Copyright 2011 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.

What is Self-Esteem?

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Glimpses of Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes I feel quite exhausted. Trying to please other people is relentless. Actually I don’t mind too much because at least it means I’m not alone. I feel hurt when people tell me to ‘get a life’. It really plays on my mind and I keep going over what they’ve said. I have got a life. It’s dedicated to helping others. I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself in any way or giving my opinion about something. That’s not who I am.

Many people come to counselling and say things like ‘I have problems with my self-esteem’ or ‘I have always had low self-esteem’ and this is usually because other people have made comments about their behaviour. Low self-esteem is sometimes used to describe someone who does not seem to like or value themselves and who believes that they are in some way inferior to others.

Low self-esteem can be associated with a lack of assertiveness and can make people vulnerable to being exploited. Low self-esteem can pervade every aspect of someone’s life and result in feelings of sadness, shame, disappointment or frustration.

Self-esteem is linked to our ‘conditions of worth’ and these refer to messages that are received by an individual, often in childhood, which imply that a person has particular attributes or qualities and must behave in a certain way in order to be accepted. Such conditions may be positive or negative.

Often a person with low self-esteem will use phrases starting with ‘I should…….…..’ or ‘I ought to…………….’

People suffering from low self-esteem may be susceptible to depression. Having a negative opinion about ourselves can have a significant impact on how we live our lives and how we relate to other people. It can prevent us from achieving our potential and make us feel isolated, unhappy and ‘not good enough’. It means that we constantly evaluate ourselves in a negative way.

Thoughts associated with low self-esteem

I’m worthless
I can’t cope
I don’t fit in
I am inferior
I’m not good enough

Behaviour associated with low self-esteem

Avoiding situations
Reduced performance
Rumination
Negative thinking

Signs of low self-esteem

Feeling down
Poor self care
People pleasing
Ruminating over events
Negative self talk
Avoiding potentially pleasurable activities
Underestimating strengths
Exaggerating weaknesses
Comfort eating
Use of alcohol or drugs

What causes low self-esteem?

Our experiences while growing up have a profound effect on how we view the world and our place in it. Other factors which may be influential include:

Family of origin
Treatment at school
Relationships
Bullying
Abuse
Divorce
Bereavement
Redundancy

How can counselling help with low self-esteem?

Counselling may help you to understand that the negative views you have of yourself are actually an opinion and not facts and can therefore be challenged. Having the opportunity to talk about how you feel in a supportive environment where you are not judged can be therapeutic in itself. Counselling can help you to learn more about yourself and to recognise your strengths and resources. You can consider what you would like your life to be like and discover what changes you would like to make.

Copyright 2010 Christine Bonsmann. All rights reserved.