Your Therapy Space

Accredited CBT and counselling Leamington Spa, Warwickshire and online

About Counselling

Lost your motivation?

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We all go through phases when we lack motivation and just can’t seem to get started on the things we want or need to do.  That’s normal.  Maybe you’re feeling tired or a bit overwhelmed by the big list of jobs to do.  Maybe you don’t want to ask for help.  Asking for help is something that many people find hard and consider to be a sign of weakness.  It’s actually a sign of strength.  To be able to recognise that you need other people is a positive thing.  If your motivation seems to have disappeared maybe you could take a small step and just do one thing right now that you have been putting off.  If you are a high achiever then losing your motivation can seem particularly harsh.  Now is the time to be kind to you.  Take good care of yourself and accept that this will pass.

If, however, your loss of motivation does not pass after a few weeks and you are experiencing other symptoms like feeling tired, feeling down or not eating or sleeping well, then it could be helpful to talk things through with someone and maybe try some counselling to try and find out if they are any underlying issues which may be contributing to your current difficulties.

Is crying a sign of weakness?

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by Counsellor, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

How do you feel if you see someone crying?   Does it touch you in some deep place?  Do you wish that you could comfort the person and ‘make it all better’?  Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  Do you find yourself wishing the other person would ‘pull themselves together’?  And does it matter where it happens?  For example is crying at work completely unacceptable?   What about at weddings and funerals – can you get away with a few tears there?  Besides what is the crying about anyway?  Are you crying for the other person….or are you crying for yourself?  Do the tears of another remind you of your own sadness?

Some clients who come to counselling say that they feel that crying is a sign of weakness.  A sign of not coping.  They might tell me about something very sad or traumatic that has happened to them and apologise for feeling tearful.  Some clients say that they can’t stop crying and are finding this really inconvenient.  It is embarrassing and getting in the way of their functioning.  How sad.  I wonder who told them that crying was unacceptable.  Our tears are an expression of our emotions and can be happy, angry or sad.  An indication that we may be suffering.  At times like this it can help to talk to someone and find a way to express our feelings.  And to accept how things are for us right now.

Is everyone else better than you?

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Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone else is better than you? Do you ever think that what other people have to say matters more than what you have to say? Have you ever felt that you should stay in the background and let others take the limelight? I often work with people who feel like this. Why is this? In psychology the nature versus nature debate is well established. Some people argue that how we turn out is down to genes. It’s all there in our DNA. Others disagree and say that how we turn out is all down to how we are reared, the experiences that we have in childhood.

I, and many others, think that how we turn out is influenced by both our genes and our upbringing. We learn so much in childhood. If our parents row continuously then we may never learn how to establish a loving relationship. If the people around us are worriers then we may learn to worry too.

Now imagine that you felt that you were as good as other people. That your voice mattered just as much. That people would be pleased to meet you and find out about you. That you were entitled to a life. Is that hard? Well where is it written down that you can’t be all these things. Thought so. It’s probably you that is telling yourself this stuff.

The great thing is that you can change. Become the person you would like to be. Counselling can help with this. What are you waiting for?

What can we learn from The Apprentice

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When I hear the type of phrases the young and aspiring would be apprentices use such as ‘I’m really ruthless and will get what I want’ or ‘no one is going to stand in my way’ I often wonder how these people would feel if they heard their words played back to them say in 20 years’ time.  I used to work in business but didn’t feel the need to be like that.  I did, however, encounter many people who were exactly like that and they made my life quite miserable and made me feel like I was the one who had got it wrong.

You see there is no right answer to life.  For me it’s about figuring out who you are and about integrity.  I would rather be the person who did not gossip about others or try and stab them in the back. Ever.  For me it’s simply not negotiable.  And when I hear others doing these things I know that I will probably not enjoy spending time with them.  Just because you are in business doesn’t mean that you have to lose your values.  It’s still possible to be kind.  Maybe they need a Counsellor in The Apprentice house?  Now that would be very interesting!

Mindreading and counselling

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I know there are certain people who make a living out of mindreading.  I am not one of them.  My job as a Counsellor is to try and understand you so that you can understand yourself.  While others may have had experiences similar to yours, no one will make the same meanings out of those experiences as you will.  The meanings we make from something are so personal and are informed by the things which have happened to us in our lives and this explains why the same event can be experienced so differently by 2 people.

Often clients will say things like ‘you must be thinking…….’ or ‘I know that you think……’.  In other words they become mindreaders.  I will then ask how they know what I am thinking before asking how they could find out what I am thinking.  Of course the only way to know is to ask!

In my experience, mindreading is a very unhelpful thing to do.  It makes assumptions about other people and can keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns of behaviour.  Not only that, it can make us feel inadequate, unaccepted and isolated.  It can take quite an effort to give up this way of thinking and requires us to challenge the way we view others and the world.  Imagine what your life would be like if you trusted yourself and didn’t think that others thought you were silly or irritating or troublesome.  It could change your life.

Why doesn’t my counsellor give me all the answers?

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Counselling can be quite frustrating for some clients because they want to be told what to do. This is so common, especially if growing up your views were disregarded and your feelings were ignored. You might have learnt that other people had all the answers. You never learnt to trust yourself. Ironically, often the reason people seek counselling is because the people in their lives are telling them what to do and they feel controlled and diminished……..and yet they want their counsellor to make decisions for them.
Counselling is not about advice or imposing a view. It is about trust and mutuality in a relationship. It is a chance to talk about your problems and concerns confidentially and to explore your choices and the ways you could make some changes in your life. Your counsellor will help you in this process and help you to understand yourself. You may see some different perspectives on your situation or how you might be contributing to your own difficulties. You might even learn some coping strategies. However, you won’t be told what to do. That would be disrespectful.
In many ways the counselling relationship is like no other relationship in your life. It is a professional and boundaried relationship. You don’t become friends after the work has finished or keep in touch. It is a place to experiment with different behaviour and find out who you are. It can be an interesting and helpful experience and it can be challenging and confusing. If you are struggling it can be really helpful to tell your counsellor and work on this. You see the problems we have in the ‘real’ world often come into the counselling room too, so what better place to discover a more fulfilling way to be in a relationship.